Main Street – March 19, 2009

by ROGER ALLEN – publisher

mainstreetrogerPolitics as usual

Winston Churchill said Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms that have been tried. Someone else described Democracy as two wolves and a rabbit voting on what to have for dinner.

Well, the wolves (aka Congress) just passed an omnibus budget bill to keep our government going for a while-an annual necessity. Congress (as usual) attached projects to the bill that are earmarked for specific uses. This time around, these projects number around 8,000. Some (as usual) may benefit their sponsoring Congressmen more than the country.

The earmarks amount to only about one percent of the budget, but that’s still a lot of money.

Hey! It’s our system! Congress has the authority to spend our tax money, and they often vote themselves some nice perks that they don’t advertise.

It’s unfortunate that most Congressmen don’t read the laws they vote for.  They rely on their political party to tell them how to vote. Good thing we have a two-party system. Each can keep an eye on the other.

We really can’t expect to have it otherwise. The national budget is so long and complex that no one person could be expected to read and understand the legal language in thousands of pages. A large number of Congressmen are lawyers, but even they have only 24 hours in a day.


Speaking of lawyers

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him the usual question, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was indeed true.

“Well,” said Saint Peter, “that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

“Wait, wait!” said the lawyer. “There’s more! Three years ago, I gave another homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back that it was true. Saint Peter whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”


Lawyers at work

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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