Main Street – March 26, 2009

Debt solution

Roger Allen, publisher
Roger Allen, publisher

We’re all a bit nervous about the billions of federal dollars being shelled out to the investment and credit industries and the trillions of national debt that will follow. Well, I have a solution to America’s problem of raising money: sin.

This idea isn’t new with me. “Sin tax” is the fun name for the extra taxes we pay on liquor and tobacco. Liquor and tobacco consumption doesn’t seem to be affected by taxes. I say, crank up those taxes and look for additional popular sins. Here’s one:

Native Americans have managed to find a way to get back at the immigrants who stole their country from them: gambling casinos. They are popping up all over the country and paying off like crazy. (Build them and they will come.) I’ll give you three-to-one odds that casino clients would hardly notice bigger taxes on gambling.

The state of Michigan also does well with its various lotteries. People enjoy gambling so much that I’m proposing a new “Deficit Lottery.” Ticket holders may win big bucks, but half the money would go to reduce the federal deficit. How about that combination: feeling patriotic while feeding your urge to gamble. Let’s get started! April 1 might be an appropriate day to kick off the big push for more sin.

Help at hand

When you go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign you see is the one that says: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

A friend of mine noticed the sign and thought about it for a moment. Then he dialed the number. When they answered he said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

Daddy’s girl

Another tale from a friend:

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe a little over 2. Someone had given me a little tea set and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in a ball game on TV when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several more cups and lots of praise from Daddy for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea because it was “just the cutest thing.” Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy, and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

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