Main Street

Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher


Hooked on oil? Want alternative energy? We’re all overlooking something that’s right in our back yards. The neighborhoods are full of squirrels looking for food and even risking their lives darting across streets. We should harness this power source.

Here’s my plan: We buy a bunch of live traps and catch those little devils. Then we put each squirrel into a cage with an exercise wheel. Like hamsters, they’ll run on those wheels all day. We’ll also need electric generators, very small ones, to attach to the wheels. Our neighborhood squirrels will spend all day generating power for our houses.

We should arrange an automatic system that drops a peanut into the cage with, say, every 300 revolutions of the wheel so the squirrels are encouraged to keep running. We wouldn’t have to feed them otherwise, just keep the hopper filled. Peanuts are cheap. The shells can be used as mulch for growing our own vegetables.

Sadly, we know nothing lasts forever, even hard-working squirrels. After their efforts to power our microwaves, fax machines and other electronics, some will eventually pass on. The remedy for their earthly remains is also simple. The bodies can go in our backyard composting bins where they will continue with their usefulness.

I see no drawbacks to this plan. I’m online right now, looking up the number of the Patent Office.

Trouble on the job

…Your accountant’s letter of resignation is post-
marked Zurich.

…Your suggestion box starts ticking.

…Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA on line 2, and CBS on line 3.

…You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

Trouble at home

…People send your wife sympathy cards on your

…You spot your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

…The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Classifieds from elsewhere


8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!


Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog. Able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.


California grown – 89 cents/lb.


Must sell washer and dryer, $300.


Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.


Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Work habits

A small manufacturer of office equipment hires an older man who says he’s retired from the Navy. Jim turns out to be a good worker, pleasant and efficient, and he works for a modest salary. However, he’s always 10 or 15 minutes late in the morning. The boss prides himself on arriving early. It begins to grate on him that Jim is always late.

Finally he calls Jim into the office. “Jim, you’re a good worker and I’m glad you’re with us, but it bothers me that you are always late to work. When you were in the Navy, what did the guys say when you came in late?”

Jim replies, “They said ‘Good Morning, Admiral.'”

About Squire News 6222 Articles
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.