Main Street

Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher

Power!

Hooked on oil? Want alternative energy? We’re all overlooking something that’s right in our back yards. The neighborhoods are full of squirrels looking for food and even risking their lives darting across streets. We should harness this power source.

Here’s my plan: We buy a bunch of live traps and catch those little devils. Then we put each squirrel into a cage with an exercise wheel. Like hamsters, they’ll run on those wheels all day. We’ll also need electric generators, very small ones, to attach to the wheels. Our neighborhood squirrels will spend all day generating power for our houses.

We should arrange an automatic system that drops a peanut into the cage with, say, every 300 revolutions of the wheel so the squirrels are encouraged to keep running. We wouldn’t have to feed them otherwise, just keep the hopper filled. Peanuts are cheap. The shells can be used as mulch for growing our own vegetables.

Sadly, we know nothing lasts forever, even hard-working squirrels. After their efforts to power our microwaves, fax machines and other electronics, some will eventually pass on. The remedy for their earthly remains is also simple. The bodies can go in our backyard composting bins where they will continue with their usefulness.

I see no drawbacks to this plan. I’m online right now, looking up the number of the Patent Office.

Trouble on the job

…Your accountant’s letter of resignation is post-
marked Zurich.

…Your suggestion box starts ticking.

…Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA on line 2, and CBS on line 3.

…You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

Trouble at home

…People send your wife sympathy cards on your
anniversary.

…You spot your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

…The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Classifieds from elsewhere

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog. Able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.

GEORGIA PEACHES

California grown – 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE

Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Work habits

A small manufacturer of office equipment hires an older man who says he’s retired from the Navy. Jim turns out to be a good worker, pleasant and efficient, and he works for a modest salary. However, he’s always 10 or 15 minutes late in the morning. The boss prides himself on arriving early. It begins to grate on him that Jim is always late.

Finally he calls Jim into the office. “Jim, you’re a good worker and I’m glad you’re with us, but it bothers me that you are always late to work. When you were in the Navy, what did the guys say when you came in late?”

Jim replies, “They said ‘Good Morning, Admiral.’”

Other Stories from the Squire

Top News…

Michigan ChalleNGe cadet meets Dale Earnhardt Jr. ALEXANDRIA, Va. – Respect, hard work, … [Continue Reading...]

Attention veterans! A call to action. Please stand for those who have fallen.   The Moving … [Continue Reading...]

The Rockford Girls’ Lacrosse team has been ranked number one in the Division One poll for most of … [Continue Reading...]

By JOHN HOGAN Rockford - and most of West Michigan, became a water wonderland last week as a … [Continue Reading...]

More Posts from this Category

In Other News

Knowing Your Competition   by David Broyles SCORE Counselor   Regardless of … [Continue Reading...]

Downtown Rockford was as busy this sidewalk sale week as in past years, despite a heat index of over … [Continue Reading...]

Rockford resident, writer and photographer John Hogan shared this picture with the Squire. The … [Continue Reading...]

David S. Fry

They wrote the book on cottage law—literally Recently, Attorney David S. Fry opened the … [Continue Reading...]

More Posts from this Category

Speak Your Mind

*