Main Street—May 7, 2009

Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher

Don’t blame the pigs

Apparently it was the pork chop producers lobby that got the name “swine flu” changed to “H1N1 flu.”  I’m glad.  I had flu myself last winter and I never kissed a pig. Anyway, pigs never had this particular strain of influenza. These intelligent animals got the bad rap because it’s related to a disease they sometimes get. What an injustice – encouraged, no doubt, by the fact that pigs aren’t beautiful. Human beings are so shallow.

Looking east, I understand in Egypt they are killing all the pigs just to be on the safe side.  If we have to blame the disease on an innocent animal, let’s call it “mole flu.”  Nobody is fond of moles and they’re not part of a food industry. Maybe the Egyptians should kill all their moles. The pork lobby would appreciate having the world’s attention diverted from its product.

Looking south, I think we should just feel sorry for the Mexicans. Between swine flu-oops, H1N1-and the drug wars, they’re living dangerous lives. They have plenty of reasons for sneaking into the U.S.

TO:  GOD

FROM: DOG

Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:

 1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 

 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

 4. The sofa is not a “face towel.”

 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

 7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.

 8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

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