Main Street by Roger Allen, publisherog

Roger Allen, publisher.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Word Play

Bezel—a groove or flange designed to a hold a
beveled edge. (American Heritage Dictionary)

Embezzle—To take for one’s own use. (American Heritage Dictionary)

Embezzlement—to take a bezzle for one’s own use. (Me)

Best money can buy

If I say to my legislator, “I’ll give you $50,000 if you vote my way on this law,” that’s illegal and, if he agrees, both of us can go to jail.

If I say, “Here’s $50,000 for your re-election campaign. I’d like to talk to you about that law before you vote on it,” that’s legal.

Why is this such a good job that political candidates spend so much of their time trying to get re-elected? We pay them to represent us. It makes sense for us to wonder who else is paying them, and for what.

Will our elected officials ever pass a law to control this? Fat chance!

Taupe talk

I need to paint my basement floor and one of the women at the office suggested “taupe.” What’s taupe? Is it something you use to clean the chimney? “Put a little taupe in that stove. Clean the chimney.”

Men don’t do “taupe.” We do red, blue, green and black. Oh, there are also colors like “light red” and “dark red,” but no taupe. Don’t confuse us. We have one pair of shoes and we’re lucky if our socks match.

Tips for seniors

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. Miniskirts and support hose

4. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

5. Speedos and cellulite

6. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

7. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

8. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

9. Bikinis and liver spots

10. Mini skirts and varicose veins

Most importantly, at some point you must give up the pieced-tongue jewelry. It doesn’t go well with the dentures.

Senior Road Trip

While on a color tour, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. When leaving, the woman left her glasses behind on the table and she didn’t miss them until they’d been driving for about 40 minutes.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. He wouldn’t let up for a minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived back at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the geezer yelled to her,

“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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