The Democrats mostly don’t like the President’s plan for the war in Afghanistan. The Republicans mostly don’t like it, either. Raise your hand if this stuff surprises you.
GM = Generous Money
The new head of General Motors has a salary cap of $500,000, almost $10,000 a week. Sounds like enough to buy groceries and pay the rent, which you can’t say about the incomes of lots of other Americans. He heads up a company that lost $millions, and he makes more than the President of the United States. We tax-paying citizens now own most of that company. Let’s hope he’s worth our money.
GM = Generally Mental
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Just remember, if the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• This year I had the chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. You should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
I went Christmas shopping in the city the other day. I was in the store for only about five minutes. When I came out, I saw a traffic officer writing an expired parking meter ticket.
So I went up to him and said, “Come on, how about giving a man a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement.
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, after the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”