Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

Observance of the New Year is the granddaddy of all holidays. The people in ancient Babylon celebrated it 4,000 years ago. The Babylonian New Year began with the first new moon (actually the first visible crescent) after the vernal equinox (first day of spring).

The Babylonian New Year holiday lasted for 11 days, each day with its particular mode of celebration. Modern New Year’s Eve festivities pale in comparison.

The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of blossoming, and of planting new crops. January, on the other hand, has no astronomical or agricultural significance. Placing the New Year’s beginning in that month is purely arbitrary.

There may be an explanation. After the fullness of summer and the richness of fall, the sun fades away. It must have been scary. Then, around January, the sun slowly begins to come back. Surely a time for celebration!

Food for thought in 2010

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there’s not enough money?

Do prison doctors use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why didn’t he fix the hole in the boat?

Grandkid wisdom

The grandson asked his granddad how old he was. The granddad teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” advised the child. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

Somebody asked the boy where his grandmother lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport. When we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done with her, we take her back to the airport.”

Grownup wisdom

  • The statistics on sanity tells us that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
  • When you work here at the paper, you can name your own salary. I named mine “Fred.”

Last joke of 2009

An old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. While dismantling on the 49th floor, two workers discovered a skeleton, fully clothed and standing upright, in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. The police took the skeleton away.

After a couple of days the workers decided they had to know who they’d found. They called the police again. “We’re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet. We want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody else important.”

“Well,” said the police sergeant, “it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who?”

“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek champion.”

Follow your dreams!

Except that one where you’re naked in church.

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