Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher.

Roger Allen, publisher.

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Democrats struck out last week. Another nay-saying Republican to replace Ted Kennedy isn’t what they wanted. Sixty Senators can vote to allow debate; 59 isn’t enough. Now 41 Senate Republicans can say “NO” to everything and make it stick. So much for the people of this nation who want healthcare reform and better international relations.

The Supreme Court, in another 5-4 decision, capped off the week by allowing corporations to pour unlimited money into election campaigns. Experts all along the political spectrum say we’ll see the down side to this. The only winners (besides the already mega-rich corporation executives) will be the political advertising industry.

Good news

So far the President has not been blamed for the earthquake in Haiti.

Gene pool rejects

Continued from last week:

1. A man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Mich., at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because, he said, he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The would-be robber, frustrated, walked away.

2. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?]

Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. They related all the regular type of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized that Vernon hadn’t yet participated.

“Vernon, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Rhonda. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break. And then her parachute plunked her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your father draw from this terrible story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Rhonda when she’s been drinking.”

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    The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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