Main Street — by Roger Allen, publisher

Phil’s okay!

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) had concerns that the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Punxsutawney, Penn., was stressful for Punxsutawney Phil, the centerpiece groundhog. They wanted to replace him with some kind of robot.

Well, I know Phil. I visited him at his home in the library window in downtown Punxsutawney. He sends word that he enjoys the visits of local townspeople who drop by, and he’s flattered by the attention on Groundhog Day. He loves his job.

It’s nice that PETA is concerned about the welfare of animals, but Phil lives better than any other groundhog in his family. He was happy to celebrate his day as usual this week.

Not likely

A man goes out golfing. He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to a tree. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! Nine iron.”

The man looks at the frog and decides to prove it wrong. He puts his own choice of club away, and grabs the nine iron.

Boom! The ball lands 10 inches from the cup. The man is shocked. “Wow, that’s amazing,” he says to the frog. “You must be a lucky frog!”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think, Frog?” asks the man.

“Ribbit! Three wood.”

The guy takes out his three wood and, wham! hole in one. The man hardly knows what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, “Okay, where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Okay, Frog, now what?”

The frog says, “Ribbit! Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! $3,000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! A pile of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! Kiss me.”

The man figures why not. After everything the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. “And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”

The keyboard solution

Wouldn’t it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press “Ctr Alt Delete” and start all over?

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