Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — April 1, 2010

This week it’s funny!

…Funnier than last week’s column, anyway. Last week I muttered about my failed kidneys and Humana Health Insurance. I sputtered about the way Humana cancelled my policy retroactively to Jan. 1 when I started dialysis.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Those aggravating things haven’t gone away, but this week’s paper is our April Fool’s Day issue and that always perks me up.

Speaking of April Fool’s issues, I thought the Kalamazoo Gazette had done one. I picked up their front page in a restaurant lobby and saw the main headline: “House passes health care bill” with the subhead: “Obama gets hard-fought win without any Republican votes.” Nope, not April Fool. Sometimes crazy-sounding stuff is real.

Medical joke #1

An older gentleman arrived for an appointment with a urologist who shared offices with several others. The waiting room was crowded. The receptionist was an unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a booming voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

Medical joke #2

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first-aid!”

The woman watched for a couple of minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said, “but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”

Last laugh

Jim was out for a drive in his brand-new sports car when he unintentionally cut off a mean truck driver. The trucker motioned for Jim to pull over. Not wanting to offend the guy further, Jim complied. Drawing a chalk circle on the road, the trucker ordered Jim to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to the shiny new car and cut up the leather seats.

When he turned around to see Jim’s reaction, Jim had a slight grin on his face. “Oh, you think that’s funny?” said the trucker. “Watch this!” He grabbed a baseball bat from his truck and broke every window in the car.

When he looked back at Jim, Jim was still smiling. The driver went into a frenzied rage and slashed all the tires. At this point, Jim was giggling and the trucker really started to lose it. He got a can of gas from the truck, poured it on the sports car, and threw a match at it.

Through the smoke he saw Jim laughing so hard that he had a hard time standing up.

“What’s so funny?” the trucker asked, frustrated at not getting emotional revenge.

“When you weren’t looking,” Jim replied, “I stepped outside the circle 10 times.”

Who’s a fool?

Today’s the day! They say there’s no fool like an old fool. I’ve got it made.

About Squire News

The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.
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