Size counts: new law too short

The American people are incensed about the length of the new health care law. It is much too short, a piker: only about 2,000 pages. This compares unfavorably with the U.S. Income Tax code at 16,000 (or 18,000 or 23,000; depends on who you ask).

“Congress just doesn’t care about health care,” said one radio talk show caller. “If they cared, they’d give us more pages to read.”

Nonetheless, even the loudest critics admit that a measly 2,000 pages is a long read. At this point, no one has read it all, although some hold out hope that eventually someone will. (No one has ever read the entire U.S. Income Tax code.)

The staff of The Squire has been skimming pages of the new law as fast as we can. Just in time for this issue, someone came across the New Health Care Plan Terminology. Here’s a sample and we hope it helps:

New Health Care Plan Terminology

Barium What you do when CPR fails

Benign What you do after you be eight

Cesarean Section A district in Rome

Colic A sheep dog

Dilate To live long

Fester Quicker

G.I. Series Baseball game between soldiers

Hangnail A coat hook

Medical staff A doctor’s cane

Morbid A higher offer

Nitrate Lower than the day rate

Node Was aware of

Organic A church musician

Outpatient A person who has fainted

Secretion Hiding stuff

Tumor An extra pair

Urine Opposite of you’re out

Varicose Veins Veins that are very close together

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The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.