Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher

Thanks, Ben Franklin

I just finished reading a couple of old classics (Count of Monte Cristo, Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) and found much talk of candles, oil lamps, and horse-drawn carriages. Ah, the good old days, when life was simpler.

Roger Allen, publisher.

When I woke up this morning, I switched on the light, turned off the dialysis machine, turned up the thermostat, and turned on the coffee pot and the radio. It struck me that electric power is handy.

A few years ago during an ice storm, many of us living the simple life out in the country woke up to no lights, water, working toilets, heat or TV. The good old days were not that good.

Patriotic citizens

The Taliban is making war on us with their drug profits. Here’s the way I look at it: If we don’t use illegal drugs, we’re patriots, fighting the war on terrorism. (We also save a lot of money and don’t go to jail.)

Wedding bells

Tom, age 92, and Doris, 89, finally decided to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans and on the way they passed a drugstore. Tom suggested they go in.

“We’re about to tie the knot,” Tom announced to the pharmacist. “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course,” said the pharmacist.

“Meds to help circulation?”

“All kinds,” said the pharmacist.

“Arthritis pills?”

“Definitely.”

“How about suppositories for irregularity?”

“You bet.”

“Meds for memory problems?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, and pills for sleeping, heartburn and indigestion? What about wheelchairs, walkers and canes?”

“Got ‘em all,” said the pharmacist.

“Adult diapers?”

“Sure,” said the pharmacist.

“Great!” Tom replied. “We’d like to use this store as our bridal registry.”

Home alone

Loaded down with suitcases, a couple enters the airport terminal to go to the check-in counter.

As they approach the line, the husband glances at their loads of luggage and says to the wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replies.

“No, I really wish you had,” he sighs. “I left the tickets on it.”

A few observations

• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

• Dead batteries are given out free of charge.

This is not a joke

According to a recent Gallup poll, politicians scored four percent lower in public approval ratings than used car salesmen.

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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