Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher

Deep doo-doo

Problems, problems everywhere.

• The oil spill in the Gulf may be coming under control, but the damage is tremendous. BP, the oil company that owns the rig (and the problem), may end up broke. Maybe better them than all the people depending on the Gulf for food and a living.

• The Greeks spent themselves into serious debt, and many Greeks want the country to go bankrupt instead of using the grit-your-teeth and pay-up approach. Could somebody foreclose on the Acropolis? Be a great spot for McDonald’s. (If the U.S. went bankrupt, the Chinese might foreclose on the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument. Maybe they’d settle for a state. I suggest Texas.)

• Iceland’s volcano is pumping out ash again, disrupting more European flights. At least this one is a “natural” disaster, not caused by human beings, whose silly behavior just goes on and on.

Deep thoughts

Four-year-old Tim came in from playing in the yard one day and asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

“From God, dear,” his mother replied.

“Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?” Tim asked next.

His mother answered, “God and the police, dear.”

“Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?”

“God would, probably working through the

fire department.”

“Mommy, where does food come from?”

“God gives us food, working through the farmers.”


“Yes, dear?”

“What do we need Daddy for?”

Deep freeze

Our correspondent Michelle sent in this one:

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent collisions with airborne fowl in order to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and Rolls Royce sent a gun to the Americans.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped an engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the details and disastrous results of the experiment and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken.

Deep truth

Bad decisions make good stories.

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The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.