Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — May 27, 2010

The hook

We’re not doing so hot in the Middle East. Its movement towards democracy isn’t exactly a mad dash. What possessed us to think we could march in and change a social system solidly in place for hundreds of years?

Roger Allen, publisher.

Over the centuries, many human groups have found out that

it’s easier to get in than get out. You’d think we’d learn. There’s a good reason the barb on a fishhook faces backward.

Wise words

Mary Eadie sent us a bunch of good stuff. Mary’s on Rockford’s City Council and she’s a former mayor. It’s good to know we have people in local government who understand the important things in life, including parenthood:

• You spend the first two years teaching children to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

• Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Ignorance was bliss

Jim Beach sent the following comments on the re-education we all get from our e-mail contacts:

As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your informative e-mails over the past year.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water. (Bacteria on the lemon peel!)

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving, because now I know that the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack gives me high anxiety. I’m haunted by how many gallons of transfats I must have consumed over the years.

I’m especially thankful to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes. I now use a wet sponge for every envelope that needs sealing. I also scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa is about to grant my every wish.

I never have a drink in a bar because 1) the bartender’s damp towel is a sewer of dangerous bacteria and 2) I’m afraid I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

Deodorants cause cancer, I’ve learned, so I never use them. (Best to stay upwind. You’re welcome.)

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

And special thanks for keeping me safe at the gas station. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car while I’m filling up. (Serial killers can’t sneak into MY back seat.)

Another from Mary

We child proofed our house three years ago and they’re still getting in!

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