Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — June 10, 2010

Peaceful cousins

All chimps are not alike. A related species, bonobo, is smaller, communicates vocally and by gesture, and tends toward peacefulness. Geneticists have found that the bonobo DNA profile is closest to that of humans. (Peacefulness??)

Roger Allen, publisher.

About 10,000 bonobos exist in the wild in the Congo and nowhere else. As you might guess, they’re an endangered species. Experts are trying to find out why bonobos are so peaceful, a trait in humans that could use tuning up. Scientists hope that a further understanding of the bonobo will offer some clues.

My own guess is that bonobos are peaceful because they never invented money. They have a relaxed lifestyle and lots of food, but no money. The root of all evil, right? I suppose it’s too late for us to go back.

My personal Gulf solution

1. Drill 100 more wells. This will reduce the pressure and stop the oil from gushing into the sea.

2. Then suck out all the oil we need from the various wells.

3. Here’s the important part: After sucking out the oil, QUICKLY fill in all the wells or the water will drain down and the Gulf will run dry.

I hope someone in the government is reading this.

Start of Summer!

Seems like summer already started, doesn’t it?

Our official Start of Summer brings fireworks, a parade, exhibits, food, drink and always a good time. This celebration is the biggest thing all year and a lot warmer than the Christmas Parade. Don’t miss the free shows.

Not what I meant

Number one:

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted up to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “DALLAS COWBOYS”!

Number two:

A businessman was invited to give the graduation address at the local high school. For weeks he thought about what he’d say but inspiration didn’t strike. He pulled into the auditorium parking lot still not knowing. But at the door he noticed the word, “Push,” and the light bulb went on.

“Aha!” he thought. “What a perfect theme. ‘Push’ is the secret to success.”

Confident now, he walked to the lectern and launched into his speech. “If you’re going on to college, there’s one word that will help you get through…”

He spoke on and on and on. “If you plan to get a job, one word will insure promotions…”

Finally he began his conclusion: “I would like to leave you with the mystery word that will put you into leadership roles, give you security, and take you to the top. Ladies and gentlemen, that word is written on the doors at the back of this room!”

Everyone in the auditorium craned their heads around to look at the doors. There they read the word, “Pull.”

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