Main Street — by Roger Allen, publisher

Choose your weapon!

Want satisfaction for your grievance? In Michigan, now’s the time.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Apparently it was once necessary to classify dueling specifically as a crime; a Michigan legislature in the distant past made such a law. But that ages-old law will soon be no more. The current legislature has passed a bill getting rid of it. The governor is expected to sign the new bill. (Explanation: Lawmakers are approving bills to get rid of archaic legislation.)

So, choose your weapon and seconds. Meet me at dawn down by the river!

A bit of history: In the olden days, “sword play” could be serious, but not necessarily fatal. With swords, a bad cut would make you the loser of the duel, but not actually dead. Guns, however, made dueling a deadly game. Yes, you might survive a gunshot, but not as often.

If we’re going to decriminalize dueling, why don’t we at least limit it to something like flinging Frisbees? (Hey! You win! Let’s go have coffee!) 

Choose your weapon #2

Two teenage sisters were arguing in the driveway. The younger scooped up a handful of small branches and threw them at her sister’s car, causing minor, but visible, damage to the paint.

The dad ordered them inside and said, “No one is going anywhere until you two say something nice to each other.”

The older girl glared but then said, “I think you’re good at making people laugh.”

The younger returned, “I like your smile and I think you’re smart.” Then, in all seriousness, she added, “I’m sorry about your car. I was aiming for you.” 

School’s out, school’s out…

Exam answers (not from OUR schools):

• What does “varicose” mean? Nearby.

• What is a fibula? A small lie.

• How can you delay milk from turning sour? Keep it in the cow.

• Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard

and vinegar. 

Grumpy season

On a hot day when the sweat’s running into your eyes, all sorts of minor complaints come to mind:

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Rats!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• If the tag says, “Do not machine wash or tumble dry,” it means I will never wash this—ever.

• I hate it when I leave my house confident and looking better than usual and then don’t see anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• As a driver I resent pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I resent drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always resent cyclists. 

Last words

Will Rogers said it first: There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither works.

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The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.