Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — October 7, 2010

They’re BACK! (FYI)

Roger Allen, publisher.


Bedbugs are everywhere in the news, because, it seems, they’re everywhere.

The good news: They’re not scary-looking; they’re tiny and hard to see. They aren’t poisonous and they don’t carry disease.

The bad news: They’re hard to get rid of. Their bites itch. They’ve expanded their territories, even hanging out in some clothing stores. (A Victoria’s Secret store closed down this summer because of bugs in its underwear.)

What do bedbugs eat? Ready for this? HUMAN BLOOD.

When I was a kid, the idea of bedbugs was associated with the kind of people who didn’t wash. I thought bedbugs were sort of rare. The 2010 bedbug isn’t fussy. It will gladly set up housekeeping in fine hotels and exclusive boarding schools.

If you get bedbugs, call an exterminator. It’s not a do-it-yourself project. It may take more than one treatment.

Bedbugs aren’t completely harmless. The guy who heads Ohio’s bedbug eradication program warns, “The emotional toll it can take on people when you can’t get [them] under control is quite severe.” He should know. His own house was infested with bedbugs.

Good Samaritan

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car got stuck. After a few minutes a young farmer came down the lane in a big tractor. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The couple accepted, and minutes later the car was free.

“You know,” said the farmer, “yours is the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

“Good heavens,” the husband replied. “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied. “Night is when I put the water in the hole.” 

The redneck test

You’re one if:

• your family tree don’t fork.

• the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

• you mow your lawn and find a car.

• you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

A few last words

• Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

• I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

• This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable senior citizen to show you care.

Well, my job is done.

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