MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

Santa Parade

Roger Allen, publisher.

 

The parade, as usual, was a big success. Cars filled every parking space for blocks around. Traffic was at a standstill. Grownups and kids were everywhere.

I have to confess that I didn’t see it personally. I’m reporting this from hearsay because the weather was too cold for people of my maturity. Start of Summer is the parade for us.

Promises, promises

A long, furious and expensive political campaign is behind us and Congress has quit for the year. I don’t expect the new guys to meet all their promises. They’ll have lots of excuses for why important things can’t be done and why it’s somebody else’s fault.

Order in the Court

Next to politics, it seems like some of the best absurdist humor comes out of courtrooms. I didn’t want you to miss any of these samples:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan. 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis disease, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget…

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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