MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher — December 30, 2010

Happy New Year!


Roger Allen, publisher.

Seems to me that the beginning of spring is a logical time to start a year. Green is a hopeful color but January has no agricultural significance. On the other hand, our New Year observance day occurs close to the winter solstice when we begin to notice a few more minutes of sunlight each day. Makes sense.

Whatever the official date, we can all use a fresh start on our ambitions and projects. It’s useful to look back on the previous year of our lives to remember the good times and, perhaps, mourn friends gone forever.

Coach joke

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play because you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I propose to do is ask you a math question and if you get it right you can play.”

The player agreed, so Coach looked into his eyes intently and said, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and answered, “four.”

“Did you say four?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he’d got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began yelling, “Come on, Coach, give him another chance!”

Parson joke

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” asked the startled reverend. “Are you sure about that?”

“I’m sure,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’” 

Bar joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Listen,” he says to the bartender, “if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, is my beer on the house?”

“We’ll see,” says the bartender.

So the guy pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

“Impressive,” says the bartender, “but I’ll need to see more.”

“Hold on,” says the man. He pulls a bullfrog out of the bag and it sings, “Old Man River.”

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts, “Absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for that frog.”

“Sold,” says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

“It’s none of my business,” says the bartender, “but you just gave away a fortune.”

“Not really,” says the guy. “The hamster is also

a ventriloquist.”

Final words of wisdom

• A calendar’s days are numbered.

• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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