MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

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Recently I had the pleasure of an hour spent in the hope of finding my replacement when I retire from writing this column. The process involved a lot of give and take about ideas for the column and how I come up with them.

Roger Allen, publisher.

It’s not an easy job finding someone who can spread a little humor in the world. Checking out writers is serious business, even though the writing topic may not be especially serious. I may have some prospects.

I’m referring to the 30 kids in Conrad Klima’s fourth-grade class at Roguewood Elementary. Mr. Klima is teaching them about writing. I talked to all of them. It would please me if one of them had his or her name at the top of this column someday. It may take a few years, but “be prepared” is a good plan for all of us.

Amazing #1

It’s wonderful to actually see improvement in the human condition, even though the quality of life varies by geography. In developed countries, at least, our world has escaped from the hard, slow, messy dependence on literal horse power. I’m old enough to remember the remnants of it. (Watch where you step!) As we move to electric cars powered by renewable sources, it seems amazing that all this happened in just about one century.

Amazing #2

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on an island. After a month of barely surviving on coconuts, the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded around on the other side of the island.”

“Where did you get the rowboat?”

“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.

“But you had no tools!”

“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”

The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been thinking about while you’ve been alone?”

“Do you mean…” he whispers, “…I can check my e-mail from here?!” 

Not a blonde joke

Michelle, a regular contributor, sends this one:

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish joke…”

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice, “Before you go telling that joke, you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish, and so are most of my customers.”

“Okay,” says the customer, “I’ll tell it very slowly.”

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