MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher — February 17, 2011


The offices were besieged by protesters when I suggested I might do less humor in this column and get a lot more serious. Protesters on both sides of the question slowed our work at the paper and interfered with production.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Both of the citizens who opposed my suggestion said the world needed more smiles. The one in favor said there were indeed many problems I should address and was protesting against the other two. To resolve the issue we conducted a survey:

• Forty-seven percent of those surveyed, when asked if Roger Allen’s column should be changed, replied, “Who?”

• Fifty-three percent said, “What?”

With no overwhelming majority, I will continue to look for good jokes and occasionally make a few serious comments.

Speaking of Protest

It paid off for the Egyptian people and may start a new trend. Our own country was founded with a protest nearly 250 years ago. The one in Egypt was remarkably peaceful. The world could use more of that.

Starting right

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good! What are we having for breakfast?” asked the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” she replied.

A few years later…

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. “Where’d we get him?” Johnny asked his mom.

His mother, who recognized the wonderful gift of life as coming from God, answered, “He came from heaven.”

Johnny replied, “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

Many years later…

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained the husband to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?”

She replied, “Probably that I married you for your money.”

Many, many years later…

After putting her grandchildren to bed, the grandmother changed into her old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

What are grandparents?

Opinions from the second grade:

• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.

• Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are old, so they shouldn’t play hard or run.

• When we’re good they drive us to the store and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down when we pass things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

• Grandparents wear glasses and funny underwear. Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

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