MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Looking at our choices

The politicians promised JOBS! Now, federal, state and local governments are eliminating jobs. Police, fire, public service: all are being cut or salaries reduced.

Roger Allen, publisher.

The politicians promised lowered taxes, right? Fees for public services are going up and we have to pay for some services that are no longer provided. But those fees aren’t taxes, are they?

Of course, in a recession we can expect our standard of living to slip a bit. If the money isn’t there, we can’t buy everything. All those government programs were sustainable when we had the money. Now we don’t.

When you go to vote next time, remember they will promise anything to get re-elected. But don’t expect the results to be exactly what we’d hoped for.

Plug for the Squire

I put in a small classified ad last week. I got 21 calls.

Ms. America

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Do you really want to hear, “My dreams for the future include world peace, no more poverty, and that my ex-husband gets hit by a bus”?

Gone fishing

A man calls home and says to his wife, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing with my boss at a big lake up in Canada. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion, so would you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We’re leaving from the office, but I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk panamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband has asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

“We sure did,” he says. “Lots of walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to?”

“I did. They’re in your tackle box.”

It was so cold…

It was so cold… hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.

It was so cold… roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker.

It was so cold… when they dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring.

It was so cold… we had to chop up the piano for firewood (but we only got two chords).

It was so cold… teens stopped worrying about acne. The new problem: goose pimples.

It was so cold… when we milked the cows, we got ice cream. (When we milked the brown cows, we got chocolate ice cream).

It was so cold… words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire.

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