MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

The optimism dept.

The longer I live here, the happier I am with this country. We have citizens from all over the world, churches too numerous to count,

Roger Allen, publisher.

and the Irish don’t shoot the Poles and the Methodists don’t blow up the Baptists.

I don’t agree with every decision of the governor, Congress or the Supreme Court, but our system works.

We are pleased that the Egyptians are getting democracy on their own. We wish it could be universal. However, America can’t afford to force it on every despot in the world. The Middle East, Africa and parts of South America still need reform for the good of their people. I hope we’ll let them do it on their own.

And, continuing to look on the bright side… spring is near!

Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World.

Medical dept.

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

• Somebody call the janitor—we’re going to need a mop.

• Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!

• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

• Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie.

• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

• Darn, there go the lights again.

• You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them…”

• Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.

• What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!

• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

Mars and Venus dept.

• He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.

• He said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? She said: A widow.

• He said: Why are married women heavier than single women? She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

• She said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? He said: They already have boyfriends.

Green beer dept.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from the O’Allens and everyone at the paper!