MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Real Housewives

I’ve been wanting to write a TV show. I think “Real Housewives of Newaygo County” might be the right title. I hope Hollywood doesn’t get there first.

George Washington

The conflict in Libya reminds me a bit of the American Revolution. A rag-tag bunch of dissidents is up against the established government and military. It’s much like the Colonies against Great Britain. What they really need right now is Washington to lead the troops. And the French Fleet!

Jig Saw

Maybe Libya will end up split into two countries. A lot of that going around. We have North and South Korea; North and South Viet Nam; a dozen little countries in Africa. The Soviet Union scattered. We had Ireland and Great Britain. And even the United States and Canada. I wonder if China will ever split up?

Adult Supervision

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.

Vocabulary

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

Grand Theft Auto

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.”

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

“Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Last words

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

Tough day

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”