MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Retribution

Terrorists who threaten “retribution” because we killed Osama bin Laden have short memories. When I think of retribution, I think of 3,000 innocent people killed in the World Trade Center. I think of those who died in Washington on the same day. I think of those in a field in Pennsylvania. And I think of the tens of thousands of human beings, military and civilian, dead or maimed because of bin Laden’s plans. He wanted to destroy Western civilization, especially America. Well, we’re still here and he’s gone.

Presidential candidate Donald Chump will no doubt demand the “long form” death certificate for Osama. (Donald is not my favorite candidate!)

Stimulating

The economic stimulus checks we Americans have received are puzzling to some. Puzzle no more. I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government sends

to taxpayers.

Q. Where does the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government gives us back our own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of these payments?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Commanding

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six- and seven-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of five) answered, “Thou shall not kill!”

Budgeting

A man saw a friend at a table in the bar, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in February,” he said, “and left

me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then, in March,” the friend continued with a tear in his eye, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? That’s incredibly sad.”

“Then this month,” continued the friend, beginning to sob, “nothing!”

Testifying

The DUI defendant, Judi, listened while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The attorney asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”

“Yes, sir, they were.”

“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”

“Yes, sir, she did.”

“And,” looking over at Judi, “what was it she said?”

“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”

Last Words

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. In my office, I have a work station…

 

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