MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

No column next week?

Harold Camping, president of the Christian Family Radio network, predicts that the Rapture (the taking of God’s chosen people to heaven) will happen on May 21, 2011. Therefore, I may not be able to do the column for next week’s paper. I hope you’ll understand.

According to Camping, the world will come to an end on October 21, 2011.

Camping and others before him have based their predictions about Doomsday on their readings of the last book of the Bible, the Revelation of Saint John.

On May 21 some of you might be uneasy about Camping’s predicted Judgment Day. Here’s some advice from Charles Schultz (the late creator of the Peanuts comic strip): “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

Something for everyone

The Boston Marathon is famous and popular. Kalamazoo just added a full marathon to its annual Run for the Health of It. Rockford has its own run, too.

I propose a special marathon for those of us in the advanced seniors demographic. The distance would be 26 yards, with a two-hour maximum time limit. Canes and walkers are okay, but no wheelchairs. Naturally, the event would be postponed if the weather turns out less than perfect.

Bad luck

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.”

“I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”

“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all the bait.”

Best advice

A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine can

I use?”

Replied the trainer, “Try the ATM outside

the gym.”

Better luck next time

Wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, a man walked into the branch and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all you’re muny in this bag.”

Standing in line waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry: someone might have seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he turned, left the Bank of America, and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in the new line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmised from the spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor. She couldn’t accept his stickup note, she told the man, because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. He’d either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or return to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the would-be robber said, “Okay,” and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later as he waited in line back at Bank of America.

About Squire News

The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.
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