MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

 

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

The BOSS

Mother Nature has given us a nice place to live. We have what we need: air, water and gravity. We know how to get food. The trees, flowers, hills and beaches are attractive. Obviously, however, MN really doesn’t give a darn about us. Willy-nilly, she delivers a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or volcanic eruption. All we can do is try to get out of the way. She knows who’s boss, and so do we.

Oh, no, it’s starting!

Seventeen months until the next election and it already dominates the news. The long, drawn-out fight among the politicians won’t be about US but about who captures power. Elections are pretty much decided by television these days—and the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can pay for all the ad$ they want (without even having to tell). This can’t be good.

I wish we the people could quit paying salaries to our elected officials. After all, the corporations are happy to buy them.

Prognosis

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would, and he bought all ten of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” said the artist. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

Conjugal bliss #1

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach ’em!” I answered.

Conjugal bliss #2

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the wife was behind the wheel, the highway patrol pulled them over.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man shouted.

“May I see your license?” asked the officer.

The woman turned to her husband again. “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license.

“I see you’re from Arkansas,” the patrolman said, trying to lighten up the situation for the old folks. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again. “What did he say?”

The old man shouted, “He says he knows you!”

 

About Squire News

The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.
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