MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Same old same old

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

“JOBS.” Not enough of them. “MONEY.” Not enough of it.

Government units have laid off or fired anybody they could possibly get along without. Private business has “downsized.”

Congress is still in business, of course, and still chanting “cut taxes” in its effort to win support from voters. (It seemed to work in 2010.) Remember when Congress embarked on two fantastically expensive wars while, at the same time, cutting taxes? That was a combination unique in America’s history. What were we thinking?

Another election is only 17 months away and JOBS and MONEY still dominate the headlines. Our economy is slowly improving, we’re told. We do have about 90% employment; during the Great Depression of the 1930s, the number was 75%—and most women weren’t in the workforce. Actually, in 1932, about half our population did not have a paying job.

To end this discussion on an optimistic note: American voters are able to figure things out. Things will improve, but it may take a while longer.

Losing bet

A guy is reading the paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head. He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

“Jeez, Honey,” he says, “remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

The wife shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he’s reading the paper again when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head. He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

Female POV

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping, and you wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. Everyone knows a mama bear means business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup… I want to be a bear!

Hostage

A mom was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Sandra on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, the boy dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

 

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