MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Deficit reduction

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

“A nickel bag, please.” You won’t hear this at your corner drugstore anytime soon, but it would help the budget deficit. Prohibition of booze was repealed because almost everybody was drinking it anyway, and there was an excise tax on alcohol. We could make use of a similar tax on legally sold “recreational drugs.” Marijuana is almost legal already. If it’s sold in state stores and taxed, we’d have the money to treat those who abuse. Better yet, we’d end the crime created by the demand.

Afghanistan forever?

When is it time to withdraw, once and for all? The Obama administration is having an internal debate on that issue right now, trying to decide. A new poll by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans believe that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are the main expense driving the federal budget deficit. That is only partly true, but all of us should remember—the cost includes human lives.

Afghanistan is already one of our longest wars. We want the Afghans to establish a democracy that functions. It would be a huge change and it may not work out. Egypt is another example of recent government change, but the Egyptians did it without America’s intervention. Maybe, or maybe not, Egypt will end up with a government that’s good for its people. Since it doesn’t seem to matter whether the U.S. gets involved or not, maybe we should let all countries, including Afghanistan and Iraq, play it out their own way.

Perfect choice

A girl visited a computer matchmaking service. “I’m looking for a suitable spouse. Can you help me?”

“What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, and good at singing and dancing. Willing to be with me all day at home during my leisure time. Able to tell interesting stories but stays silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The directive: “Buy a television.”

Bad luck

It was Palm Sunday. The family’s six-year-old son had to stay home because of strep throat. When the rest of them returned from church carrying palm branches, the boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.”

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

Bad business

A wealthy investor walks into a bank and says to the bank manager, “I’d like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”

The manager says, “Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”


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