MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher


Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Birthday No. 83 just marched by me with little fanfare. I’ve noticed that some people are farther along in the parade of life than I am. So, if you’re reading this, either you haven’t got that far yet or you’re pleased that you’ve passed me. Congratulations in either case.

I’m glad I’m still in the parade, because my interest has been to add to the number of smiles in the world. This would be a pretty grim place without humor. I do what I can. And I get help from other people. (No, I don’t invent all those jokes myself, as you already figured out.) Among those who have contributed are Michell, Jim Beach, Dick Nocilla, Rita Stevens, and others. Thanks to everyone.


Substitute, sorry

Dawn, our regular advice columnist, broke a leg last Friday while scrubbing the bathtub tile in high heels. Her boyfriend John stands in for her this week.

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I headed for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile up the road. I walked back home to get my husband’s help and found him smooching on the couch with our divorcee neighbor.

We’ve been married for 10 years. He now admits that he and “Jezebel” have been carrying on for six months. He won’t go to counseling and I’m a nervous wreck and need advice.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. Also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

Good thinking

An insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that, unfortunately, they have to cancel her husband’s life insurance policy.

“We always paid on time,” she wrote, “but since my dear husband’s sudden death last year, we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to make the insurance payments anymore.”

Good thinking #2

I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled knowingly and nodded. “That’s why we ask.”

Good thinking #3

My cousin lives in a semi-rural area. A new neighbor of his called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on their road.

The reason: Cars were hitting too many deer and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.


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