MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Big bad wolves

Our laws protect wolves. Up north, some people want them off the endangered list so they can be hunted. They claim wolves kill deer; they want the deer all to themselves.

This problem has a simple fix: Our legislators should pass a law requiring that wolves stick to eating rabbits. We humans get the deer.

Our lawmakers seldom listen to me. Maybe it’s because I’m not rich.

Big bad national debt

Politicians suck up to rich people. The rich have lots of money to donate to re-election campaigns for people who will do them favors. An idea has occurred to me: could THAT be why certain lawmakers resist taxing the rich?

Even in times of financial crisis (such as now, with the national debt limit fight) certain lawmakers resist taxing the rich. Even when the consequences are dire (such as now, with our nation’s credit rating at stake with potential harm to all of us ordinary folks), certain lawmakers resist taxing the rich.

I wish I were rich. Then I’d know for sure if this idea of mine has a grain of truth to it.

Sunday school wisdom

A Sunday school teacher asked the five-year-olds, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all the money to church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” said the children.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” said the children.

“Then how,” said the teacher, “can I get into Heaven?”

Together, the kids replied, “You gotta be dead!”

License plate wisdom

While driving with her daughter and her husband, a woman noticed that the car ahead of them had a rather odd vanity plate.

“That’s weird,” she said, pointing to it. “Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?”

“Call me crazy,” said the son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, “but I believe it reads ‘FUN-GAL.’”

Help desk wisdom

A caller gave the help desk technician her computer’s serial number. He scanned a database of registered users and said, “I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit.”

The caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When she returned, the technician asked if she was all right. “I guess so,” said the woman. “But if I’d realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my nightgown.”

Warm enough for you?

Many of us live here in the temperate zone because of the change of seasons. We especially love summer: swimming, sun bathing, picnics, the green outdoors. At the moment, though, I hear whines and complaints.

It’s my duty as a newspaper columnist to offer perspective: The blistering heat WILL go away. In the not-too-distant future you’ll get heavy loads of snow on your roof, slippery streets, black ice on the highway, soaring heat bills, and frostbitten hands when you fill your car’s gas tank. Mother Nature always comes through. Don’t worry, be happy.

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