MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

The tenure fuss

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Tenure is a lifetime job guarantee much offered in academia. It is a benefit which must be earned by performance. It was designed to ensure freedom of thought. Tenure can be revoked for cause, but it is a valuable employment benefit sometimes offered in lieu of pay.

Strangely, job guarantees are not available to any other occupation. Except for union contracts, we’re all pretty much on our own. Real security in life is not available to anyone. There are cutbacks, firings, business failures, and health failures. All can abruptly end jobs and the security we all desire.

Lightning change

Change is constant and lightning fast. New government in Tunisia and Egypt. Revolution in Syria and others. We are dropping phone lines and three billion cell phones are in use. General Motors and Chrysler went bankrupt. Credit cards are eliminating money. A whole world of information is available with a computer or iPhone. Much food comes pre-prepared and frozen. Clothes are all wash-and-wear. The services and products I grew up with are gone with the buggy-whip.

Order in the Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

Vivid

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

Change of mind

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

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