MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Where’s Vermont, anyway?

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Mother Nature pulled one of her surprises last week. The weather warnings were all about Hurricane Irene about to demolish our famous east coast cities. Most of them came through better than expected. It’s nice that the storm weakened somewhat, but Vermonters aren’t consoled. Irene clobbered their mountain state with major flooding of rivers and steams. Bridges, including many historic covered bridges, are gone; some towns don’t have a road left, in or out. Vermonters should object. I looked it up on a map, and their state doesn’t even have a seacoast.

Signs, everywhere signs, #1

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“Absolutely,” said Joe. “They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices. The sign said, ‘FINE FOR PARKING HERE.’”

Signs, #2

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners. He’d double his practice and his income.

So he opened offices with a shingle on the door that said, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy—Either way, you get your dog back.”

Signs, #3

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, “Wash. Biol. Surv.” Then the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

Morning

The next-door neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table. She was staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong, Marge?” asked the neighbor.

“Morning sickness,” Marge replied.

“Wow, I’m surprised. I didn’t even know you were expecting!”

“I’m not,” Marge said. “I’m just darn sick of mornings.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Business as usual

An airliner was having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers on board are still going around passing out business cards.”

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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