MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

A little optimism

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

The news media seem to report only the bad stuff. Let’s find the bright spots:

Ninety percent of workers have jobs. We’re living longer in better health. Food is plentiful, otherwise obesity wouldn’t be a national problem. In spite of foreclosures, we have a high percentage of home ownership.

The government stimulus saved the banking system from collapse. We rescued GM, Chrysler and Ford in a global economy where some foreign workers get 65 cents an hour. Although politicians have cut thousands of jobs from public service, private business has hired thousands of new workers.

My next-door neighbor Mona’s 90th birthday party was a big success; my other next-door neighbors, Nancy and Ken, have a healthy new granddaughter, Nora Harmony.

Things are a bit tough these days, but let’s look on the bright side once in a while. Let’s have a

little optimism!

Misguided headlines (not ours)

• Include your children when baking cookies

• Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says

• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

• Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over

• Drunk gets nine months in violin case

• Iraqi head seeks arms

Problem solved

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem—how to carry his purchases home.

The feed store owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” said the biker.

On his way through the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who said she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

“As a matter of fact,” said the biker, “I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall and take advantage of me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly do that?”

“Well,” said the lady, “set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Seen on a bumper

“Husband and dog missing. Reward for dog.”

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