MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Taking it easy

My humor column research crew was pretty productive this week, so I didn’t have to do any thinking. (Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.)

Not so sharp

A butcher shop employee in the German town of Braunschweig inadvertently handed a customer a bag containing more than 2,000 euros ($2,750) in cold cash rather than the cold cuts she usually gets.

Sharp

A woman, reporting her car as stolen, mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy who answered that he had read his ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Fender philosophies

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

• Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Power of prayer

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while, but about 5 a.m. he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

Cyberspaced

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and comforting words. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said, his eyes rolling back. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

Newspapers: read your own headlines!

• If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while

• War dims hope for peace

• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

• Cold wave linked to temperatures

• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years

• Man is fatally slain

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

 

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