MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

The people speak

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

The Constitution states that it’s designed to “…promote the general Welfare…” Various elections around the country last week promoted something, and maybe the results were generally good for us.

Down in Kalamazoo, voters decided they weren’t going to jail people who had small quantities of marijuana. Could be that Kalamazoo has too many marijuana perps, I mean casual users, for the police to bother with.

In Ohio the people spoke and the unions aren’t busted. Let’s be glad about that, since collective bargaining played a major role in creating our American middle class (which seems endangered at the moment, but that’s for another column).

Some surprising compromises popped up between social conservatives and social liberals. Mississippi voters decided that just-fertilized human eggs weren’t full-fledged people after all. (Seems obvious to me, but that’s Mississippi for you.) If the proposal had passed, would forgetting to take your prenatal vitamin get you charged with child neglect? Would running or swimming while pregnant be considered child endangerment? Can’t you just imagine lines of newly pregnant Mississippians applying for fetal Social Security?

Speaking of the South…

Redneck Computer Lingo:

• “Hard drive”—Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires while pulling a trailer load of barnyard fertilizer.

• “Reboot”—What you do when the first pair gets covered with the barnyard fertilizer.

• “Keyboard”—Place to hang your truck keys.

• “Window”—Place in the truck to hang your guns.

• “Modem”—How you got rid of your dandelions.

• “Mouse”—Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff into your beer bottle so you can get a free case.

Household hint department

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the ladies about putting down the toilet seat: use the sink.

3. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will keep you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4. You need only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Truth or Consequences

Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. (For you younger folks, Laurel and Hardy made funny movies back in the day.) Anyway, Hardy was up on the roof, lost his balance, and went tumbling to the ground. Laurel rushed over to Hardy, who was lying motionless, and asked, “You still alive or are you dead?”

Hardy: “Alive.”

Laurel: “You mostly lie to me. I don’t know whether to trust you or not.”

Hardy: “Then I must be dead. You wouldn’t dare call me a liar if I was alive.”

That blonde again

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. The question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

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