MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

XXX rated

The Republican presidential field has been slimming down as the candidates dig up dirt on each other. Herman Cain was shot down with surprising speed. Do you suppose that a few of the others have their fingers crossed, hoping that embarrassing episodes don’t surface?

American politics has almost become free adult entertainment. The process does increase the chances that we’ll get the cleanest candidate. But remember, it doesn’t always follow that he/she will be the most competent.

So far, so good

We missed the big storm on the east coast that put out the lights for weeks. Now we seem to have missed the windstorm on the west coast. I have my fingers crossed. (No, not for that.)

Speaking of…

Speaking of the war between the sexes, here’s a woman’s point of view: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.”

Logic question

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here’s the situation,” she says. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the riverbank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and responded, “To draw out all his savings?”

More logic questions

• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• When someone says, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents worth in, what happens to the other penny?

• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s stale bread to begin with.

• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Critical analysis

A retired man in New York volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals. Recently he went through his act at a Brooklyn hospital. He told some jokes, played his portable keyboard, and sang funny songs.

In farewell, he waved and said, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly patient (a woman, of course) replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

Logical assumption

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

“What happened?” asks the first officer.

“Male, about 25, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail.”

“Good grief,” says the second officer. “Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?”

“You’re right,” says the detective, taking a drag on his cigar. “I’m afraid that this is the work of a cereal killer.”

 

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