MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

A personal thanks

…to all the people who have put up pretty Christmas decorations. No, I don’t have any myself yet, but the rest of you make the town look beautiful.

Lacking in smarts

I’ve been noticing all those squirrels around town and how they keep running into the roads. They’re fearless. Sometimes they stop in the middle and stare at me.

Given that living creatures, over time, develop ways of surviving, I’d think that the smart ones would be afraid of cars. All the others, the dumb ones, would have been crow food by now. Apparently brain evolution evolves slower than the combustion engine.

Not so smart

A couple of newspaper bloopers (not ours):

• “Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor on driving while intoxicated.”

• “He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.”

Smart

On her way back from the concession stand, the girl asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”

The girl smiled. “Oh good,” she said, “then this is my row.”

Very smart

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer pocketed the money and agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

“Sorry, son,” said the farmer when he got to Kenny’s house the next morning. “I have some bad news. The donkey died.”

Kenny: “Well then, just give me my money back.”

Farmer: “Can’t do that. I already went and spent it.”

Kenny: “Okay then, just unload the donkey.”

Farmer: What ya gonna do with him?”

Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny again. “What happened with that dead donkey?” he asked.

Kenny: “Like I said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $898.”

Farmer: “Didn’t anybody complain?”

Kenny: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Kenneth Lay grew up and eventually became founder, chairman, and CEO of Enron Corporation.

Last words

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

 

About Squire News

The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.
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