MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Wisdom from Winston

Sir Winston Churchill is almost as quotable as his fellow Brit William Shakespeare. An example from Churchill: “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” Currently, Egypt is trying to put that idea to the test.

Countless lives were lost in Egypt’s public uprising and struggle toward democracy, but the run-off election is coming up soon. The fear is that the grim fanaticism left over from the deposed Hosni Mubarak will win. Let’s hope the Egyptian voters get it right.

Another favorite Churchill quote: “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”

Speaking of Brits…

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The desk clerk looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

“You must mean the lift,” he said.

“No,” the American responded, “if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator.”

“Well,” said the desk clerk, “over here we call them lifts.”

“Well,” said the visitor, “it was an American who invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are, sir,” the desk clerk said politely, “but someone here in England invented the language.”

Internet wisdom

I feel much more secure these days due to the many cautionary chain letters arriving in my mailbox.

As a result, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

And I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

Keep them coming.

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet pop with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet pop.

3. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

4. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) have no additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

5. Cookie pieces contain no fat. The process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Last thought

365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 lite year.

No, here’s another

Can’t resist one more Churchill quote: “There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is: half of them are true.”

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The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.