MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Paper or plastic?

We’re faced with this question 28 billion times a year in the U.S.

It started in 1883 when Charles Stilwell invented a machine to make the “SOS” (Self Opening Sack) bag. Before that they were made by hand with v-shapes. The SOS was successful but boomed with the birth of supermarkets in the early ‘30s. We’re talking paper; no choice yet.

Plastic was invented in 1868 as “celluloid,” an imitation of ivory. It had drawbacks by today’s plastic standards, but was popular for shirt collars and other little products. Celluloid morphed into Bakelite, which had multiple uses. More playing around with chemicals resulted in the plastic products that surround us today.

Just think, even 50 years ago plastic bags didn’t litter the roads and clog the garbage dumps.

Divorce joke No. 1

A couple had problems even though they’d been married only a short time. After a brief attempt to reconcile, they went to court to finalize their break-up.

“What has brought you to this point,” the judge asked the husband, “where you can’t keep this marriage going?”

The husband answered, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

Divorce joke No. 2

Sam: You know what, it’s really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say, “I divorce you” to his wife three times and it’s done.

Jack: It’s even easier here. All a man has to say once is, “Yeah, that dress makes you look fat.”

Education joke

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

Old joke

One day at the rest home an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Open your bathrobe,” she says.

He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his undergarments for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”

Cop joke

The policeman got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” said the cop.

“Well,” replied the kid, “I got here as fast as I could.”

No word on whether he got a ticket or not.

A couple questions

1.            If we make sweaters out of a sheep’s hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

2.            Can you define “adults”? Sure, they’re just kids with money.

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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