MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Good News

All over the world, cities and governments find themselves broke. Many have drastically cut services and jobs. You’ll be happy to know that both Rockford and Cedar Springs are in pretty good shape.

Budget information is available on the Web.

Rockford’s site has complete figures with all the extras, such as cemeteries, water and park funds, etc.

Cedar’s site contains editorial comment about the budget, including a list of areas where the city has been saving money.

It’s good to know that no worries are required for either city. Emergency managers and bankruptcies are for other people, other places.

Memorial bun puns

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection plus complications from repeated pokes in the belly. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Among the dozens of celebrities who turned out to pay respects at the funeral were Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as someone who did not realize how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy had risen quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus, they have one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Winning words

A preacher came upon a group of grade school boys gathered around a dog. Concerned that the kids might be hurting the animal, he stopped and asked what they were doing.

“This old dog is a neighborhood stray,” said one of the boys. “We all like him, but only one of us can take him home at a time. So we’re having a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie today gets to keep him for tonight.”

Shocked, the preacher said, “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” He launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning with, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was complete silence in the group for about a minute. The preacher smiled, satisfied that his words had gotten through.

Finally, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”

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    About Squire News
    The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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