MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Everybody talks about it

We sure got weather from Mother Nature last week. A week ago our shoes were melting and grass was burned to a crisp. Then, believe it or not, we got rain off and on for a few days. The farmers in Iowa would sell their kids for rain.

After a nice day in the 50s, we were back into the 90s. We’re not out of the woods yet. We still have more summer ahead of us, and, according to climate experts, a warm fall. We’re still very short of rain. It may come, but may not.

Drinking lots of water and staying inside with A/C fends off personal discomfort but doesn’t stop worries about the nation’s crops. Come fall, those tall house plants people set in living room corners may be the only corn left alive.

Smart

If lawyers can be debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that laundry workers could decrease, eventually even becoming depressed and depleted? Bed makers could be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded. Software engineers, of course, could be detested, and even music composers eventually decompose.

Pretty smart

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500 for its immediate return.”

After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.”

Not so smart

A friend reports: I saw a lady at work today inserting a credit card into her PC disk slot and pulling it out quickly. I asked what she was doing. She said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using her computer’s ATM thingy.

Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, and all in the name of so-called humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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