MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

Jobs for all

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

I know some ways we can improve the employment picture. On TV every day I see cartoon characters involved in all kinds of entertaining activities. Every one of those little cartoonies replaces a human. Out there, for every one of them, some actor didn’t get a job because of a comic book character.

Even more wasteful of jobs is the telephone system. I’m talking not just the phone numbers answered by somebody in the Philippines, but also companies with automated answering systems. After you drag their phone numbers and their business hours out of their websites, you get a tinny electronic voice saying, “All of our representatives are busy with other callers. Your call will be answered in the order received.”

The wait can be 30 minutes. It can be even longer! They’re wasting our time for a few more bucks of profit! We could cut the unemployment rate if they would just answer their phones!!! (And we wouldn’t feel so grouchy once we finally got a human being on the line.)

Marriage #1

Three guys are talking in the bar. Two of them remark about the amount of control they have over their wives while the third guy stays quiet.

After a while one of them says to the third, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”

“Well,” says the third guy, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two were amazed. “Gee, what happened then?” they asked.

She said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!”

Marriage #2

Marty was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his dumb comments and lack of common knowledge. He turned to his wife with puzzlement on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear!”

Yup, it’s not for sissies

Old age is when you go to the doctor and realize you now have to pay someone to look at you naked. Some things are okay: the glass is still half full. But, of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Old age brings the wisdom that life throws you curves – and that you may be sitting on your biggest ones. You become more reflective in old age. You start pondering the big questions, such as what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

In old age, you start to repeat yourself. In old age you start to repeat yourself.

Declaration

My name is Roger Allen and I approve this message.

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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