Main Street

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Voice of experience

I lived through the 1928 depression. From what I see now, the current one is working its way to a close. The direction from here is up.

Thought you’d like that good news as the leaves come down and we hear winter growling in the distance.


More experience

Mrs. Smith gave her first graders a math problem to solve. “If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence, how many would be left?”

“None”, answered Josh. Mrs. Smith raised her eyebrows.

“None?” she said. “Josh, I think something’s wrong with your arithmetic.”

“Mrs. Smith,” answered Josh, “you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go.”



Experience doesn’t always bring wisdom; sometimes experience comes alone. That may be the case in my prediction about the economy (although my fingers are crossed and I’m doing what I can). But Josh does know his sheep.


Laws of the natural universe

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.


Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Rug Law: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.


And now my favorites

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.


Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it.


Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about


Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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