Main Street

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

The good, the bad, the ugly

I’ve seen a lot of news lately. While I prefer humor, I didn’t see much of it lately. I’m going to make this whole column jokes. Hope you all get a laugh!

 

Translation

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

“No,” I admitted.

“Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

 

Education

I was trying to get my seventh grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

“How would you feel,” I asked, “ if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?

Wouldn’t you be a bit scared?”

“Nah,” one boy answered, “I’d just figure it was my sister’s date.”

Chit chat

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, “I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!” Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!” Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”

Aging with a Smile

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

-My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

-Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

-I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

-I’m getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

-It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

 

-I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.

• • •

 

 

 

About Squire News
The Squire has been Rockford’s free weekly newspaper since 1871. Our loyal readership includes over fifteen thousand homes in the Rockford area, including the affluent Lakes area of Lake Bella Vista, Bostwick Lake and Silver Lake; Belmont, Blythefield, as well as Algoma, Courtland, Cannon and Plainfield Townships. The Squire is distributed through the U.S. Post Office every Thursday. We also deliver to in-town businesses and homes with paper carriers and news stands in our grocery stores and over thirty local shops.

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