Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — August 26, 2010

August 26, 2010 · Filed Under Main Street · Comment 

Done with oil

The Gulf spill is pretty well over, and so is our little spill in Michigan. Now we can get on with other things. The immigration fuss in Arizona seems to be on hold; we are moving out of Iraq. The pressing news now is Afghanistan and Pakistan. We really have no business fighting a guerilla war there. It’s almost impossible to win a war with guerillas. Remember Viet Nam? Or look at Northern Ireland. While mostly under control, there is still violence, The Basques are still fighting in France. 

It’s difficult to change the society of those countries to turn them into a democracy like ours. We should re-think the idea.

Congratulations Rockford

The City of Rockford is celebrating 75 years. Smith Latham had a sawmill on the river and Wolverine generated electricity. Now the dam and river are mostly scenic. A nice improvement! 

Two better than one

A blonde driving home after a football game, got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had told her to blow into the tailpipe to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, …

“HELLLLO” “You need to roll up the windows” 

Classical insults

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:

She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”

He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”  – Clarence Darrow

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second….if there is one.” -  Winston Churchill replied.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial” – Irvin S. Cobb

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — July 15, 2010

July 15, 2010 · Filed Under Main Street · Comment 

Putting the blame

What’s wrong with the government anyway, getting our seasons all mixed up? Why didn’t Mr. Obama give us global warming last January when we wanted it? If the President were doing his job right, we’d get 15 or 20 degrees higher in the winter and maybe 10 lower in the summer. Governor Granholm deserves her share of the blame. I don’t think these expectations are unreasonable. 

Roger Allen, publisher.

Picnic

Don’t want to drive a long way for a picnic? Right here in Rockford and Cedar Springs, we have plenty of places close to home. Rockford has picnic facilities in Sowerby Park, Rotary Park, Trestle Park, and right downtown by the river. Cedar has Morley Park with picnic facilities. Gordon Park is just up the road to Sand Lake. There’s Riggle Park and North Park and the new Veteran’s Memorial Park on Main Street.

You could buy a take-out lunch and walk to some of these picnic spots. 

Perfect!

A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone number and told the guy who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet. The thief was arrested.

Don’t you love it? (Thanks, Michelle) 

Adult education

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their love life.”

“Boys, boys, boys!” scolded the pastor. “I am shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”

In unison they all replied, “You win!” 

Pet care

If you want your doggie to have a clean coat that’s conditioned and smells good, you may try “Buddy Wash.” It’s a product to make your pet’s coat as nice as your own skin. And, best of all, “All Cloud Star products are never tested on animals.”

Gee, that’s great! Are they tested on humans? Wouldn’t this be a good time to just give it a try on a dog? Thanks to Consumer Reports for bringing this to our attention.

Career path

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher—July 1, 2010

July 1, 2010 · Filed Under Main Street · Comment 

 

Roger Allen, publisher.

Best hope

 

Efforts to fix the “Spill” have been disappointing. We are all pinning our hopes on the relief well designed to plug the old well. It’s still over a month away. But what if that doesn’t work? Nothing else has. It could mean the end of BP as a very major international corporation. The President will surely demand they keep paying damages until all their money is gone. And what then? The worst case scenario may be too serious to contemplate. 

Back on Main Street

The effects of the recession are still with us. Michigan has been hard hit because of the migration of the auto business to Japan. We won’t get that back. Local business has been hit hard but most are hanging in. Some, however, have gone—with their hopes. Things are slowly picking up. We will recover, but it’s going to take a while. 

Lighter side

The computer company Jane works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

“They would make a good present for any man,” Jane commented to a colleague, “if only to remind him of the two things he can never have.” 

Last name basis

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.” 

Counsel

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”

“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

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Main Street — by Roger Allen, publisher

June 17, 2010 · Filed Under Main Street · Comment 

Choose your weapon!

Want satisfaction for your grievance? In Michigan, now’s the time.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Apparently it was once necessary to classify dueling specifically as a crime; a Michigan legislature in the distant past made such a law. But that ages-old law will soon be no more. The current legislature has passed a bill getting rid of it. The governor is expected to sign the new bill. (Explanation: Lawmakers are approving bills to get rid of archaic legislation.)

So, choose your weapon and seconds. Meet me at dawn down by the river!

A bit of history: In the olden days, “sword play” could be serious, but not necessarily fatal. With swords, a bad cut would make you the loser of the duel, but not actually dead. Guns, however, made dueling a deadly game. Yes, you might survive a gunshot, but not as often.

If we’re going to decriminalize dueling, why don’t we at least limit it to something like flinging Frisbees? (Hey! You win! Let’s go have coffee!) 

Choose your weapon #2

Two teenage sisters were arguing in the driveway. The younger scooped up a handful of small branches and threw them at her sister’s car, causing minor, but visible, damage to the paint.

The dad ordered them inside and said, “No one is going anywhere until you two say something nice to each other.”

The older girl glared but then said, “I think you’re good at making people laugh.”

The younger returned, “I like your smile and I think you’re smart.” Then, in all seriousness, she added, “I’m sorry about your car. I was aiming for you.” 

School’s out, school’s out…

Exam answers (not from OUR schools):

• What does “varicose” mean? Nearby.

• What is a fibula? A small lie.

• How can you delay milk from turning sour? Keep it in the cow.

• Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard

and vinegar. 

Grumpy season

On a hot day when the sweat’s running into your eyes, all sorts of minor complaints come to mind:

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Rats!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• If the tag says, “Do not machine wash or tumble dry,” it means I will never wash this—ever.

• I hate it when I leave my house confident and looking better than usual and then don’t see anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• As a driver I resent pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I resent drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always resent cyclists. 

Last words

Will Rogers said it first: There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither works.

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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — June 10, 2010

June 10, 2010 · Filed Under Main Street · Comment 

Peaceful cousins

All chimps are not alike. A related species, bonobo, is smaller, communicates vocally and by gesture, and tends toward peacefulness. Geneticists have found that the bonobo DNA profile is closest to that of humans. (Peacefulness??)

Roger Allen, publisher.

About 10,000 bonobos exist in the wild in the Congo and nowhere else. As you might guess, they’re an endangered species. Experts are trying to find out why bonobos are so peaceful, a trait in humans that could use tuning up. Scientists hope that a further understanding of the bonobo will offer some clues.

My own guess is that bonobos are peaceful because they never invented money. They have a relaxed lifestyle and lots of food, but no money. The root of all evil, right? I suppose it’s too late for us to go back.

My personal Gulf solution

1. Drill 100 more wells. This will reduce the pressure and stop the oil from gushing into the sea.

2. Then suck out all the oil we need from the various wells.

3. Here’s the important part: After sucking out the oil, QUICKLY fill in all the wells or the water will drain down and the Gulf will run dry.

I hope someone in the government is reading this.

Start of Summer!

Seems like summer already started, doesn’t it?

Our official Start of Summer brings fireworks, a parade, exhibits, food, drink and always a good time. This celebration is the biggest thing all year and a lot warmer than the Christmas Parade. Don’t miss the free shows.

Not what I meant

Number one:

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted up to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “DALLAS COWBOYS”!

Number two:

A businessman was invited to give the graduation address at the local high school. For weeks he thought about what he’d say but inspiration didn’t strike. He pulled into the auditorium parking lot still not knowing. But at the door he noticed the word, “Push,” and the light bulb went on.

“Aha!” he thought. “What a perfect theme. ‘Push’ is the secret to success.”

Confident now, he walked to the lectern and launched into his speech. “If you’re going on to college, there’s one word that will help you get through…”

He spoke on and on and on. “If you plan to get a job, one word will insure promotions…”

Finally he began his conclusion: “I would like to leave you with the mystery word that will put you into leadership roles, give you security, and take you to the top. Ladies and gentlemen, that word is written on the doors at the back of this room!”

Everyone in the auditorium craned their heads around to look at the doors. There they read the word, “Pull.”

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