The Gulf spill is pretty well over, and so is our little spill in Michigan. Now we can get on with other things. The immigration fuss in Arizona seems to be on hold; we are moving out of Iraq. The pressing news now is Afghanistan and Pakistan. We really have no business fighting a guerilla war there. It’s almost impossible to win a war with guerillas. Remember Viet Nam? Or look at Northern Ireland. While mostly under control, there is still violence, The Basques are still fighting in France. 

It’s difficult to change the society of those countries to turn them into a democracy like ours. We should re-think the idea.

Congratulations Rockford

The City of Rockford is celebrating 75 years. Smith Latham had a sawmill on the river and Wolverine generated electricity. Now the dam and river are mostly scenic. A nice improvement! 

Two better than one

A blonde driving home after a football game, got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had told her to blow into the tailpipe to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, …

“HELLLLO” “You need to roll up the windows” 

Classical insults

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:

She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”

He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”  – Clarence Darrow

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second….if there is one.” -  Winston Churchill replied.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial” – Irvin S. Cobb

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

What’s wrong with the government anyway, getting our seasons all mixed up? Why didn’t Mr. Obama give us global warming last January when we wanted it? If the President were doing his job right, we’d get 15 or 20 degrees higher in the winter and maybe 10 lower in the summer. Governor Granholm deserves her share of the blame. I don’t think these expectations are unreasonable. 

Roger Allen, publisher.

Picnic

Don’t want to drive a long way for a picnic? Right here in Rockford and Cedar Springs, we have plenty of places close to home. Rockford has picnic facilities in Sowerby Park, Rotary Park, Trestle Park, and right downtown by the river. Cedar has Morley Park with picnic facilities. Gordon Park is just up the road to Sand Lake. There’s Riggle Park and North Park and the new Veteran’s Memorial Park on Main Street.

You could buy a take-out lunch and walk to some of these picnic spots. 

Perfect!

A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone number and told the guy who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet. The thief was arrested.

Don’t you love it? (Thanks, Michelle) 

Adult education

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their love life.”

“Boys, boys, boys!” scolded the pastor. “I am shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”

In unison they all replied, “You win!” 

Pet care

If you want your doggie to have a clean coat that’s conditioned and smells good, you may try “Buddy Wash.” It’s a product to make your pet’s coat as nice as your own skin. And, best of all, “All Cloud Star products are never tested on animals.”

Gee, that’s great! Are they tested on humans? Wouldn’t this be a good time to just give it a try on a dog? Thanks to Consumer Reports for bringing this to our attention.

Career path

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry and howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Best hope

Efforts to fix the “Spill” have been disappointing. We are all pinning our hopes on the relief well designed to plug the old well. It’s still over a month away. But what if that doesn’t work? Nothing else has. It could mean the end of BP as a very major international corporation. The President will surely demand they keep paying damages until all their money is gone. And what then? The worst case scenario may be too serious to contemplate. 

Back on Main Street

The effects of the recession are still with us. Michigan has been hard hit because of the migration of the auto business to Japan. We won’t get that back. Local business has been hit hard but most are hanging in. Some, however, have gone—with their hopes. Things are slowly picking up. We will recover, but it’s going to take a while. 

Lighter side

The computer company Jane works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

“They would make a good present for any man,” Jane commented to a colleague, “if only to remind him of the two things he can never have.” 

Last name basis

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.” 

Counsel

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”

“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

Want satisfaction for your grievance? In Michigan, now’s the time.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Apparently it was once necessary to classify dueling specifically as a crime; a Michigan legislature in the distant past made such a law. But that ages-old law will soon be no more. The current legislature has passed a bill getting rid of it. The governor is expected to sign the new bill. (Explanation: Lawmakers are approving bills to get rid of archaic legislation.)

So, choose your weapon and seconds. Meet me at dawn down by the river!

A bit of history: In the olden days, “sword play” could be serious, but not necessarily fatal. With swords, a bad cut would make you the loser of the duel, but not actually dead. Guns, however, made dueling a deadly game. Yes, you might survive a gunshot, but not as often.

If we’re going to decriminalize dueling, why don’t we at least limit it to something like flinging Frisbees? (Hey! You win! Let’s go have coffee!) 

Choose your weapon #2

Two teenage sisters were arguing in the driveway. The younger scooped up a handful of small branches and threw them at her sister’s car, causing minor, but visible, damage to the paint.

The dad ordered them inside and said, “No one is going anywhere until you two say something nice to each other.”

The older girl glared but then said, “I think you’re good at making people laugh.”

The younger returned, “I like your smile and I think you’re smart.” Then, in all seriousness, she added, “I’m sorry about your car. I was aiming for you.” 

School’s out, school’s out…

Exam answers (not from OUR schools):

• What does “varicose” mean? Nearby.

• What is a fibula? A small lie.

• How can you delay milk from turning sour? Keep it in the cow.

• Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard

and vinegar. 

Grumpy season

On a hot day when the sweat’s running into your eyes, all sorts of minor complaints come to mind:

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Rats!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• If the tag says, “Do not machine wash or tumble dry,” it means I will never wash this—ever.

• I hate it when I leave my house confident and looking better than usual and then don’t see anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• As a driver I resent pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I resent drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always resent cyclists. 

Last words

Will Rogers said it first: There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither works.

All chimps are not alike. A related species, bonobo, is smaller, communicates vocally and by gesture, and tends toward peacefulness. Geneticists have found that the bonobo DNA profile is closest to that of humans. (Peacefulness??)

Roger Allen, publisher.

About 10,000 bonobos exist in the wild in the Congo and nowhere else. As you might guess, they’re an endangered species. Experts are trying to find out why bonobos are so peaceful, a trait in humans that could use tuning up. Scientists hope that a further understanding of the bonobo will offer some clues.

My own guess is that bonobos are peaceful because they never invented money. They have a relaxed lifestyle and lots of food, but no money. The root of all evil, right? I suppose it’s too late for us to go back.

My personal Gulf solution

1. Drill 100 more wells. This will reduce the pressure and stop the oil from gushing into the sea.

2. Then suck out all the oil we need from the various wells.

3. Here’s the important part: After sucking out the oil, QUICKLY fill in all the wells or the water will drain down and the Gulf will run dry.

I hope someone in the government is reading this.

Start of Summer!

Seems like summer already started, doesn’t it?

Our official Start of Summer brings fireworks, a parade, exhibits, food, drink and always a good time. This celebration is the biggest thing all year and a lot warmer than the Christmas Parade. Don’t miss the free shows.

Not what I meant

Number one:

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted up to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “DALLAS COWBOYS”!

Number two:

A businessman was invited to give the graduation address at the local high school. For weeks he thought about what he’d say but inspiration didn’t strike. He pulled into the auditorium parking lot still not knowing. But at the door he noticed the word, “Push,” and the light bulb went on.

“Aha!” he thought. “What a perfect theme. ‘Push’ is the secret to success.”

Confident now, he walked to the lectern and launched into his speech. “If you’re going on to college, there’s one word that will help you get through…”

He spoke on and on and on. “If you plan to get a job, one word will insure promotions…”

Finally he began his conclusion: “I would like to leave you with the mystery word that will put you into leadership roles, give you security, and take you to the top. Ladies and gentlemen, that word is written on the doors at the back of this room!”

Everyone in the auditorium craned their heads around to look at the doors. There they read the word, “Pull.”

We’re not doing so hot in the Middle East. Its movement towards democracy isn’t exactly a mad dash. What possessed us to think we could march in and change a social system solidly in place for hundreds of years?

Roger Allen, publisher.

Over the centuries, many human groups have found out that

it’s easier to get in than get out. You’d think we’d learn. There’s a good reason the barb on a fishhook faces backward.

Wise words

Mary Eadie sent us a bunch of good stuff. Mary’s on Rockford’s City Council and she’s a former mayor. It’s good to know we have people in local government who understand the important things in life, including parenthood:

• You spend the first two years teaching children to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

• Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Ignorance was bliss

Jim Beach sent the following comments on the re-education we all get from our e-mail contacts:

As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your informative e-mails over the past year.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water. (Bacteria on the lemon peel!)

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving, because now I know that the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack gives me high anxiety. I’m haunted by how many gallons of transfats I must have consumed over the years.

I’m especially thankful to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes. I now use a wet sponge for every envelope that needs sealing. I also scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa is about to grant my every wish.

I never have a drink in a bar because 1) the bartender’s damp towel is a sewer of dangerous bacteria and 2) I’m afraid I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

Deodorants cause cancer, I’ve learned, so I never use them. (Best to stay upwind. You’re welcome.)

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

And special thanks for keeping me safe at the gas station. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car while I’m filling up. (Serial killers can’t sneak into MY back seat.)

Another from Mary

We child proofed our house three years ago and they’re still getting in!

A 16-year-old Australian teenager, Jessica Watson, just finished sailing around the world alone, the youngest ever to do so. The trip took seven months. Her sailboat was 34 feet long—and pink.

Roger Allen, publisher.

According to news reports last October when she started out, “She smiled and waved to scores of well-wishers on land and in boats that had gathered on the harbor.”

Now that she’s back, she says, “I don’t consider myself a hero. I’m an ordinary girl who believed in her dream.”

Apparently Jessica never had any doubts about her success. That kind of optimism should carry her a long way.

Yay for Jessica. This story is an upper. But, as a parent myself, I wonder how Mr. and Mrs. Watson enjoyed themselves during those seven months.

Optimism No. 2

My thanks to Sally Thompson for this story:

My husband and I were taking groceries from the car when a little neighbor boy came over to talk and offered me some of the potato chips he was eating.

“No, thank you. I can’t eat them because I have no teeth.” I opened my mouth to show him.

He took a look and said, “Oh, not having any teeth is okay. They grow right back in, see?” And he opened his mouth and proudly pointed to his newly sprouted front tooth.

Optimism put to the test

A news reporter heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and when he turned to leave she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall every day to pray?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, the Jews and the Muslims,” he said. “I pray for all the wars and the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?” she asked.

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

Nonsense

• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

Absolute nonsense

• A dentist and a manicurist fought it out, tooth and nail.

Problems, problems everywhere.

• The oil spill in the Gulf may be coming under control, but the damage is tremendous. BP, the oil company that owns the rig (and the problem), may end up broke. Maybe better them than all the people depending on the Gulf for food and a living.

• The Greeks spent themselves into serious debt, and many Greeks want the country to go bankrupt instead of using the grit-your-teeth and pay-up approach. Could somebody foreclose on the Acropolis? Be a great spot for McDonald’s. (If the U.S. went bankrupt, the Chinese might foreclose on the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument. Maybe they’d settle for a state. I suggest Texas.)

• Iceland’s volcano is pumping out ash again, disrupting more European flights. At least this one is a “natural” disaster, not caused by human beings, whose silly behavior just goes on and on.

Deep thoughts

Four-year-old Tim came in from playing in the yard one day and asked, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

“From God, dear,” his mother replied.

“Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?” Tim asked next.

His mother answered, “God and the police, dear.”

“Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?”

“God would, probably working through the

fire department.”

“Mommy, where does food come from?”

“God gives us food, working through the farmers.”

“Mommy?”

“Yes, dear?”

“What do we need Daddy for?”

Deep freeze

Our correspondent Michelle sent in this one:

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent collisions with airborne fowl in order to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and Rolls Royce sent a gun to the Americans.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped an engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the details and disastrous results of the experiment and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken.

Deep truth

Bad decisions make good stories.

Roger Allen, publisher.

Don’t drill, baby!

All of a sudden, off-shore drilling for oil doesn’t seem to be such a good idea. The Louisiana disaster gave us a taste of consequences. (Even a taste is too much. I never tasted crude oil-contaminated shrimp and oysters, but I already know I don’t like them.)

Heaven No. 1

A pastor walks into a bar, intent on persuading the guys inside to become better people. Walking up to the first man he meets, he says, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“Yes, Pastor, I do,” the man replies.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” says

the pastor.

Turning to a second man, the pastor asks, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“Certainly,” says the man.

“Then stand over there against the wall.” Turning to a third man, the pastor says again, “Do you want to go

to Heaven?”

“No, Pastor, I don’t.”

This answer takes the pastor by surprise. “I don’t believe this,” he says. “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”

“Oh, when I DIE,” says the third man. “Well, yes, of course. I thought you were getting a group together to go

right now.”

Heaven No. 2

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is certainly bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I’d better get a second opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, to give a little encouragement to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get

one, either.

Speaking of That

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

NOT Heaven Material

As a female shopper exited a Detroit convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 9-1-1 immediately, and the woman was able to give a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher, put him in the car, and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

Last Words re: Crime

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

Congress finally got through the health insurance issue; now it’s regulation of the financial industry.

Can you believe what some of those guys did?—selling bad mortgages likely to default, and then making big bucks by betting they WILL default?

Roger Allen, publisher.

It was SO easy for regular people to get mortgages they really couldn’t afford. Easy mortgages with low or even $0 down payments drove housing prices up into a big, fragile bubble. Some people couldn’t afford to pay their mortgages and, POP! went the bubble as house prices started to fall. Many people ended up owing more than their houses were worth and just walked away. So: lots of houses on the market; supply and demand; prices fell even more.

A lot of people are hurting from this and other disastrous financial scenarios. A few people, however, got filthy rich from such shenanigans. Let’s hope Congress can pass regulation that will protect us better in the future.

Then, maybe Congress could move on to the immigration problem.

City blowing smoke?

Yes, it did! Last week city workers pumped smoke into the sewer pipes to find leaks, broken pipes, and “illegal” connections. They found a lot of them, too.

Too much clean water was flowing through the sewers. That will all be fixed so the sewer water will be nice and dirty. (No use treating clean water to make it cleaner.)

Sin? What sin?

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. How many had read Mark 17? Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Cause and effect?

A well-dressed man was accosted by a particularly grubby-looking homeless guy who asked for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted 10 dollars, and said, “If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless guy replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?”

“No, I don’t waste time fishing. I spend all my time just trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on golf course fees instead of on food?” asked the man.

“I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” said the homeless guy.

“Well,” the man said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m taking you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless guy was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you? I know I’m dirty and probably smell pretty disgusting.”

“That’s okay,” said the man. “It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he’s given up beer, fishing and golf.”