Main Street – March 12, 2009

March 12, 2009 // 0 Comments

A 14-year-old boy allegedly got himself a police uniform and reported for police duty in Chicago. The teenager entered a South Side police station through an unlocked back door around 1:30 p.m. on Jan. 24. He was issued a radio and rode with a patrol officer for more than five hours, at times using the terminal in the squad car and responding to five assignments. Once the police figured out the kid wasn’t actually a cop, they arrested him. (He’s a bit young but he doesn’t seem to need much training.) More weird crime George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Miss., was on his way up to bed when his wife yelled down that he’d left the light on in the garden shed. When George opened the back door to go turn off the light, he saw people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police. “Is someone in your house?” asked the dispatcher. “No,” George replied, “but some people broke into my garden shed and they’re out there stealing stuff.” “All patrols are busy,” said the dispatcher. “An officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay,” hung up the phone, and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” He hung up. Within three minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!” Weird crime wave Police in Connecticut have arrested a man with a several-pack-a-day habit – of Orbit chewing gum. Twenty-one-year-old Kenneth McManus of Stratford is accused of stealing 175 packs of Orbit from a Shaw’s Supermarket and an additional $75 worth from a CVS store. (Maybe this crime isn’t so weird; maybe he was trying to give up cigarettes.) Not weird; ordinary crime In December it was revealed that money manager Bernard Madoff bilked trusting investors out of $50 billion. The […]

Main Street – March 5, 2009

March 5, 2009 // 0 Comments

The Taliban and those who want a radical social system are opposed to women learning to read and write. They have rather strict penalties for lots of things we think of as being normal or right for women. These guys are the real rednecks of the world and their approach to women is ludicrous (that’s a big word – if you know the meaning you are not a “redneck”). Much of the world is tending toward equal treatment of women, and we are better for it. It’s something like a balanced diet. It’s healthier! For better or worse – 1909 * The average life expectancy was 47 years. * Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. * There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. * The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour. * Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.” * Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet. * There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. Fairy tale While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” Bury our problem There’s been talk of solving the problem of global warming by burying our excess CO2 in the ground. It’s not as easy as it seems. First you have to gather the gas and then stuff it into old wells and mines. Maybe it will stay there, maybe not. This stuffing is not free, either. Find the hole in the ground, get the gas to it, pump it down. We’d do better to control it before it gets into the air. Help on the way A man was driving on a lonely, mountain road in a blinding rainstorm when his […]

Main Street – February 26, 2009

February 26, 2009 // 0 Comments

I got a call from a Postmaster Fred Farage about last week’s column. He said I was wrong when I said the Forever stamp was going out of business on May 11. Sorry about that. The Post Office will continue to sell them. The stamp IS forever but the price isn’t. Beginning May 12 your purchase of a Forever stamp will cost you the new higher price of 44¢. You can still use them forever, whenever you buy them, but the price could keep going up. Meanwhile, until May 12, if you stock up on Forever stamps at the old price of 42¢ it will be a good deal, sort of. Bipartisanship needed The President says he wants bipartisanship in the government’s efforts to fix our critical economic problems. He’s trying. Republicans in Congress claim he’s not. What they really mean is, 1) he’s not doing what they want, or 2) they’re grumpy because he won the Presidential election and he’s not a Republican. Look at where it got us when one party during the last administration had total control over all branches of government. A two-party system keeps things in balance IF lawmakers put country, not party, first. One down The Anti-Planet League has managed to get rid of our farthest planet, Pluto. They say it’s not a planet but just a ball of ice. What’s next? Will they zero in on Uranus? How long before they get to Earth? Are we doomed to be demoted? (I’m trying to worry about things like that. It takes my mind off the economy and Congress’s partisan behavior.) Safety The young mother was driving with her three children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As the mother reeled from the shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!” New experience A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy […]

Main Street – February 19, 2009

February 19, 2009 // 0 Comments

How deep? As of the other day more than 99 inches of snow had fallen locally and it’s only the middle of February. Eight feet of snow – it’s not a record but it seems like enough for one year. No wonder Florida attracts so many Michigan snow birds. Check-up One day after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?’ “Well,” said the guy, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a pretty big decision,” the doctor replied. “Have you talked about it with your family?” “Yeah, and they’re in favor, 15 to 2. Not yet With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman gives birth. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of the family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, “Not yet.” They sip their coffee, and a little later the visitors ask again to meet the baby and the mother says, “Not yet.” Finally one of the relatives asks, “Well! When CAN we see the baby?” The mother says, “When it cries.” “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” “I forgot where I put it.”

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