Current Issue
Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — March 11, 2010
Finally!
It looks like we may see a health insurance reform bill get through Congress. It won’t be what the President wanted, and not what the Republicans wanted. He wants reform; they seem to want nothing at all—except to please the insurance companies and make the President look ineffective. We’ll get the mangled version of several bills, one of which may run to 2,700 pages. No wonder we need lawyers to figure things out; they’re the ones who write this stuff.
Last week my health insurance company cancelled my policy and the next day the pharmacy said my prescription would cost $275. I think we need some kind of reform.
Nap time
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The homeowner could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed the lady into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and she let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, the lady pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children—he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Not on the sparrow?
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and placed it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had posted a note: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Top gun
Moses, Jesus and some old geezer were going to play a round of golf. Moses teed off and the ball went right into the pond. “No problem!” he said.
Moses walked over, parted the water, and hit the ball again. This time it landed about one foot from the hole.
Jesus then teed off and the ball went flying off to the left, hit a tree, then miraculously bounced to within six inches of the hole.
The old geezer stepped up and teed off. As the ball headed straight for the pond, a huge bass jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. Suddenly an eagle swooped down, grabbed the bass and flew over the green. The bass dropped the ball and it rolled to within two inches of the hole. All of the sudden, a worm popped up and knocked the ball in—a hole in one!
Moses looked at Jesus and said, “You know, I really hate it when your dad plays.”
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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — March 4, 2010
Roger Allen, publisher.
Let’s see…
I think I have this right: The drug companies gave money to help our elected representatives get reelected. In gratitude, Congress voted to keep the government from bargaining with the drug companies over drug prices.
That worked, so they gave our elected representatives more money to keep things the same.
Then, insurance companies gave our elected representatives money to help with their reelections. In gratitude, Congress rejected “the public option,” which would have meant competition (and lower income) for the insurance companies.
Drug companies and insurance companies got their profits; Congress people got re-elected. It’s a win-win situation—except for us.
Out of reach
In 1938, the first issue of Action Comics, featuring Superman, was published. I was 10 years old and my allowance was 5¢ a week. The comic cost 10¢ and I never had two nickels to rub together. I sat on the floor in front of the magazine rack, reading for free until the shopkeeper chased me out.
Last week, one copy of that original comic was offered at auction. It went for one million dollars. It’s been 72 years and I still can’t afford it!
Saw this coming?
This blonde guy is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop. The dealer says, “Why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model? This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”
So the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and getting only two cords, he decides to quit. “How can I cut for hours and only have two cords?”
The next morning, the man gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still he manages to cut only five cords. “The dealer told me I’d be able to cut one hundred cords of wood in a day. I’ll take this saw back,” the man says to himself.
The next day he brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. “Hmm,” says the dealer, “it looks fine.” Then he starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”
Criminal element
• The thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
• The thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Police were called to a day care where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
Last words
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — February 25, 2010
Sweeping the world
The Internet is sweeping the world, surrounding us, enveloping us, enlightening us. Although it has existed only a few years, it has infiltrated our lives. We look at it for news, weather, food; we buy and sell on it, date on it, send our letters on it.
Want siding, plumbing, gifts, books, a wife?
You can become hopelessly in debt without leaving your keyboard.
The 20th century brought us electricity, cars, radio, television and computers. Technology continues to sweep along and mankind follows, holding our cell phones.
Military time
The troops were home from WWII and a crusty Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be very serious. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady glanced at his awards and decorations and said, “Looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
“You know,” said the young lady, “you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you enjoyed female company?”
“About 1940, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to relax and enjoy life a little.”
At that, the Marine seemed to thaw out. He grabbed the girl and kissed her. “Good heavens,” she said, “you sure didn’t forget much since 1940.”
The Sergeant Major replied in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not, ma’am, it’s only 2130 now.”
Kids on marriage
Alan, age 10: When you get married, you got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Camille, age 9: Twenty-three is the best age to get married, because you’ve known the person FOREVER by then.
Ricky, age 10: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Kelvin, age 8: If people didn’t get married, there sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
Bad memory
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was… surrounded by trees and bushes.
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Main Street by Roger Allen, publisher — February 18, 2010
Roger Allen, publisher.
Pandering
Grief reigns at the National Zoo. Tai Shah, the cute panda born there almost five years ago, has been repossessed by China. Only about a dozen giant pandas live in U.S. zoos, but China has a bunch of them. Did anyone think of offering to swap the Chinese government a couple of buffalos?
Buried
In these parts we plow ahead during giant snowstorms, but Washington just shut down. Government workers did nothing all week. (Will we be able to tell the difference?)
Congressmen kept busy raising money for re-election, so they may not have realized that nothing was happening.
Big fuss
The Anglican Church of England is in a furor. Some members want the church to appoint a female as a bishop. It’s never been done before. The arguments go back and forth. The main argument of those opposed is that Jesus didn’t have any woman disciples.
Who the heck do they think prepared that
Last Supper?!
Fixing it
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like mission control.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem.
As he was leaving, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error?” asked Richard.
“Nope,” I said.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
Ocean View Restaurant
A group of 40-year-old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the young waitresses there wore low-cut blouses.
Ten years later, when they were 50, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the food there was better than most places and the wine selection was extensive.
Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of
the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the building was wheelchair accessible and even had an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been
there before.
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Main Street — by Roger Allen, publisher
Phil’s okay!
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) had concerns that the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Punxsutawney, Penn., was stressful for Punxsutawney Phil, the centerpiece groundhog. They wanted to replace him with some kind of robot.
Well, I know Phil. I visited him at his home in the library window in downtown Punxsutawney. He sends word that he enjoys the visits of local townspeople who drop by, and he’s flattered by the attention on Groundhog Day. He loves his job.
It’s nice that PETA is concerned about the welfare of animals, but Phil lives better than any other groundhog in his family. He was happy to celebrate his day as usual this week.
Not likely
A man goes out golfing. He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to a tree. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! Nine iron.”
The man looks at the frog and decides to prove it wrong. He puts his own choice of club away, and grabs the nine iron.
Boom! The ball lands 10 inches from the cup. The man is shocked. “Wow, that’s amazing,” he says to the frog. “You must be a lucky frog!”
The frog replies, “Ribbit! Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think, Frog?” asks the man.
“Ribbit! Three wood.”
The guy takes out his three wood and, wham! hole in one. The man hardly knows what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, “Okay, where to next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit! Las Vegas.”
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Okay, Frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit! Roulette.”
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit! $3,000, black 6.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! A pile of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.”
The frog replies, “Ribbit! Kiss me.”
The man figures why not. After everything the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. “And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”
The keyboard solution
Wouldn’t it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press “Ctr Alt Delete” and start all over?
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