Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

The side with the most arrows and the best horses wins the war. Nope, wrong century.

New truth: The side with the most guns wins the war.

Better truth: being smart about resolving conflict can avoid the gun solution. The gun solution seems to feed on itself and, more often than not, leads to more unnecessary conflict.

Another new truth: The politician with the most money wins the election. We need to remember this when we vote for our representatives in Congress. Every poll shows they’re currently WAY down on Americans’ approval list.

Sad truth: We elected all of them.

Hopeful truth: In a democracy, voters must GET INFORMED and STAY INFORMED. Leaving the TV on one station all the time? Not enough. We need to expose ourselves to real information, and a variety of it.

Politicians lie to us and they pay others to lie to us. They want to warp our opinions. Let’s prove we aren’t pushovers.

More crooks

Thieves robbed a bank. The chief of police ordered his sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the sergeant reported back that all the robbers had escaped, the chief went mad with anger. Pounding on the desk, he yelled, “Didn’t I tell you to cover all the exit points?”

“I did,” defended the sergeant, “but they managed to escape through the entrance.”

And another one

The bank manager was down to two final applicants, one of whom would get the job as cashier.

The first was from a small college in upstate New York. He was a nice young fellow but a bit timid. His interview went okay, but it was nothing special.

Then the bank manager called for the other man: “Jim Johnson!”

Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. “He looks like he can take care of any situation,” thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

Turning to the first applicant, the manager said he could leave and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. That’s an asset for the job as cashier. However, you must also be precise. I noticed you didn’t fill out the part on the application where we asked about your formal education.”

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, “Where did you get your financial training?”

“Oh,” replied Jim, “Yale.”

“Excellent,” said the manager. “You’re hired! Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”

Jim replied, “I don’t care. Either Yim or Mr. Yonson.”

We found those blondes

Three blondes took a walk in the country and came upon a line of tracks. “Those must be deer tracks,” said the first one.

“No, stupid,” said the second. “Anyone can tell they’re rabbit tracks.”

The third blonde chimed in, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”

They were still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Too many?

Although Western societies and China have cut back the average number of children per couple, other parts of the world overflow with babies.

The growth of world population is astounding. In 10,000 B.C. there were about one million of us. By 1900 we were up to one-and-a-half billion. Then, at year 2000, our number was at six billion.

The United States Census Bureau estimates that world population exceeded SEVEN BILLION on March 12, 2012. According to a separate estimate by the United Nations Population Fund, it reached that milestone on October 31, 2011.

Human beings are using up the world at a tremendous rate. Much of the world is hungry. Global pollution isn’t under control. We are running out of clean water. Disease, starvation and war create misery but not a net decrease in population.

The news is full of wars, protests, killings and revolutions. If it is part of the human condition that we can’t get along with each other, then this adds to an obvious truth: We humans have used Mother Nature’s gift of reproduction to excess.

Arithmetic joke

Tom was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. “If you had ten dollars,” said the teacher, “and I ask you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?”

“Ten,” said Tom.

“Ten?” the teacher said. “How do you make it ten?”

“Well,” replied Tom, “you may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it.”

This week’s lawyer

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

So the butcher called him and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

This week’s doctor

Three doctors are in a duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks up and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck.” He shoots at it but misses.

Another bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks up, then leafs through the pages of his bird field guide. “Hmmm… green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound… it might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”

This week’s blond

I’m sorry; I didn’t run into any blonds this week. But I did overhear a girl in a hat say to her friend, “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Tourism is a big money-maker. Locally, we draw in a few tourists with the Red Flannel Festival, Start of Summer, Harvest Festival and miscellaneous other special events. Wildly creative promotion could bring us tourists by the truckload.

Since nobody actually wears red flannels anymore, how about a Lingerie Festival? I’m envisioning models for ladies’ underwear, historical displays (such as Queen Victoria’s bloomers) and a contest for better design of men’s boxer shorts. But especially the models.

And why has Rockford never had a Shoe Festival? Just imagine five-inch-heel foot races and shoelace knot-tying workshops. Rockford has been a shoe place for a hundred years, more or less. We need to make shoes fun enough to pull in the tourists. They’d sip their libations from high-heeled slippers in the beer tent…

I’ll stop right there for now because brilliant thinking always tires me out.

The olden days, Part I

Henry was playing pretend-fight. This was back in the days before indoor plumbing. During his game, the boy knocked over the outhouse. Sure that he’d get a whooping, he ran into the woods.

It was after dark when Henry sneaked back and, sure enough, his father was waiting. “Son, did you knock over the outhouse?”

“No, Pappy.”

“Well, let me tell you a story,” said the father. “Once, not that long ago, George Washington received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out. Too late he realized he had cut down his mother’s favorite cherry tree.” Henry’s father paused. “Just like you, he ran into the woods.”

Henry felt his face turn red as his dad went on: “When George came back, his pappy asked, ‘Did you cut down the cherry tree?’ George looked his father in the eye and said, ‘I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I did it.’ George’s father said, ‘Since you were honest with me, I won’t punish you.’”

Henry gulped.

His father again asked, “Son, did you knock down the outhouse?”

“Pappy,” said Henry, “I cannot lie. Yes, it was me that did it.”

Then Henry’s father spanked him red, white and blue.

“Pappy,” whimpered Henry, “I told the truth! Why did you whoop me?”

“Because,” came the answer, “George Washington’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”

The olden days, part II

Father Bill, the venerable old priest, visited the parish school now and then. He walked into the fourth-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked how many states they could name. One by one they came up with about 40 names. Father Bill smiled and told them that in his day students knew the names of all of them.

Richie raised his hand and said, “Yes, Father, but in those days there were only thirteen.”

A deep thought

Do you realize that in about 40 years we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

And one more

Living in a nudist colony must take all the fun out of Halloween.

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

North Korea, Syria and Iran represent a few more wars our country could stay out of.

If you’re in favor of war, skip down to the jokes.

My own low approval of war comes from a long life that goes back so far that for most people it’s only “history.” My military service was spent in Korea in 1946-1948, the handful of years between World War II and the full-blown Korean War.

None of America’s wars occurred on our soil in living memory. For that we should be thankful. But maybe it has made us, as a nation, more accepting of our going to war.

On the bright side, although America has many religions and sects, we seem to get along. That is a real blessing. Other countries have internal religious wars in which America should think long and hard before getting involved. Maybe we’re all agreed on that.

What I’m trying to say about war can be summed up in two words: Be Skeptical.

Religious viewpoint

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six- and seven-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” their fathers and mothers, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one boy, the eldest child in his family, answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

Perfect viewpoint

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding to her friends on her idea of the perfect mate: “It’s very important that the man I marry be musical with a decent singing voice. I consider a sense of humor to be essential, as well as knowing how to tell jokes. In other words, the man I marry has to be a shining light among company. But he also must be the kind who will stay home with me at night.”

A male listener at a nearby table overheard and spoke up: “Lady, what you really want is a television set!”

Blonde viewpoint

A blonde went to her doctor and showed him that both her ears were red and painful. The doctor asked her what had happened. “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang,” she told him, “but, instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally grabbed the iron and stuck it up to my ear.”

“Oh, dear!” said the doctor in sympathy. ”But what happened to your other ear?”

“The jerk called back!”

Artistic viewpoint

After his divorce, Joe asked his best friend, Hank, to fix him up with a blind date. Hank obliged.

The next day Joe phoned Hank and shouted angrily, “What kind of guy do you think I am? That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed. She was almost bald. Her nose was long and crooked. She had hair growing on her face. She was flat-chested and her ankles were as thick as her thighs.”

“Well,” answered Hank, “either you like Picasso, or you don’t like Picasso.”

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Watch out for weather

Weather is always on our mind. Cold winters, hot summers, storms. The really bad ones are rare, but we have had tornados, windstorms, floods and ice storms.

On the national level we are recovering from the recession and changes due to the global economy.

The moral; We live in a moderate climate, and compared to some parts of the world, we live pretty well. Enjoy life. It’s all we have.

Speedy

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked, “that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

“That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

Cozy

An old woman says to her friend, “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”

Access

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He says, “Yes, they’re using them now.”

The man at the door says, “Come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Primary

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, John’s seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife’s seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn’t find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

“No” replied the man, “They’re at her funeral!”

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Annual Humor Banquet

As you all know, or should, the Squire’s annual Humor Banquet has come and gone. YOU WEREN’T THERE. Shame on you.

The Squire always holds its humor banquet at noon the Saturday before April Fools Day. Location: the sidewalk of The Corner Bar at Main and Courtland streets in Rockford. The rules: bring jokes to share and buy your own hotdog.

Okay, so I wasn’t at this year’s banquet, either, but I have a good excuse (don’t know about YOU).

Loaded with jokes, I stepped into the garage at 11:00. My car’s flat tire made me grab the bike. However, before even getting to the corner, I hit the neighborhood porcupine. The porcupine gave me a dirty look and waddled off, leaving me with two flat bike tires.

So: back to the house, on foot, wheeling the bike; called the flat tire fixer guys.

I was standing in the driveway next to their truck when a passing skateboarder clipped me in the ankle. I suffered only a damaged sock but the skateboarder lost his balance and landed smack on that same accident-prone porcupine.

While I cussed out the porcupine and chased him up his tree, the flat tire guys called an ambulance for the skateboarder, who was unreasonably frantic about some quills sticking out of his backside.

While waiting for the ambulance, the skateboarder called his lawyer. The lawyer arrived while I was still in the tree pursuing the porcupine. I saw him taking notes about the tree and the porcupine being on MY property. The ambulance arrived and took away the skateboarder.

Still determined to make it to the Humor Banquet on time, I headed off in a sprint down the street toward The Corner Bar. When I stepped on the left-behind skateboard, I knew it was a lost cause.

My next-door neighbor, Ken Platt, bandaged my injured hand while I tried to ignore the mean-spirited snorts and chortles of the porcupine up there in the tree.

It was disappointing to miss my most fun event the year. I attach a few jokes I tried to bring with me to the banquet:

Historical note

A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide, who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”

“When did that happen?” asks a fellow at the front of the crowd.

“1215,” answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, “Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!”

Kitchen note

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, huh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: Take a clean dish and…”

Procrastinator’s note

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

You may have read here recently that Punxatawney Phil got laid off. Now we’ve discovered the reason: it’s best not to make a big deal about your job dissatisfaction.

Valentine’s Day

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Ah, love. We’re always looking for it or trying to improve it, and we feel lost without it. We have only one holiday about it, but it’s a biggie. Giving valentines is one of the great ideas of the western world. I never get cards for Labor Day, President’s Day, or the Fourth of July.

A question of taste

A ranger catches a guy eating a bald eagle. At the man’s trial, the judge asks, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes,” says the man, “but let me explain. I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything to eat for a week. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for fish. I thought if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal a fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish, I killed the eagle. I figured I might as well eat it since it would be worse to let it rot on the ground.”

After considering the man’s answer, the judge says, “Due to the extreme circumstance and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” says the man, “it’s hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California condor and a spotted owl.”

In due course

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he’d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Service was slow. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here…”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the waiter. “I can only serve one table at a time.”

Heads up

A little kid is flipping a coin while taking a true-false test. At the end of the test, he starts flipping the coin again.

“What are you doing?” asks the teacher.

The boy replies, “Checking my answers.”

Pig thoughts

If a pig is sold to the pawnshop, is it then called a ham-hock?

If you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, what can you make with it?

What do pigs say when they consider something that’s close to impossible? Would it be, “Sure, when humans can fly…”?

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Recently a Supreme Court opinion reversed the conviction of a drug dealer because of how he’d been caught: law officials had planted a GPS on his car. His privacy was violated, said the Court.

Our Constitution has a clause that protects our privacy. The Supreme Court has the duty to observe our Constitution, but I think it has a higher duty. The Constitution was adopted to protect the citizens of these United States. Letting a drug dealer go free on a legal technicality does not seem to protect the public.

Employment department

Just out of high school, Darla applied for her first job. When she returned home her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good, I think,” said Darla, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation until after I’m married.”

Her mother had never heard of such a thing. “Is that what they told you?”

“I saw it right on the application,” replied Darla. “‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your first anniversary’.”

Marriage department

A man and his wife are vacationing in the Middle East. A local approaches the husband and says, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replies, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Sex department

A six-year-old girl asks, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The father reckons that if she’s old enough to ask the question then she’s old enough for a straight answer. So he delivers the whole explanation about the birds and the bees. The girl is wide-eyed in disbelief.

“By the way, why do you ask?” says the dad.

The girl replies, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Sex department, cont.

A little boy, returning home from his first day at school, says, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother believed in modern educational theories, so she gives him a detailed explanation that covers all aspects of the subject.

When she finishes, the boy produces an enrollment form that he’d brought home from school and says, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

Computer department

Stephanie decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Her first move was to access Google and tell her mom it could answer any question she had. Stephanie’s mother was skeptical.

“It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it,” she said, with fingers poised over the keyboard.

Stephanie’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

Employment department again

Today is Groundhog Day but we’ll never know about his shadow. Word has it that the groundhog has been laid off. It’s not easy to find work even with experience. Hope to see him next year.

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

How about hiring real people to answer business phones?

Most big companies have computers answering their phones. Voice prompts may sound like real people, but we all know they aren’t. And when you push a button, you just get a different computer.

Sometimes the computer says, “Our staff is busy with other calls. Please stay on the line and someone will help you soon.” Computers that lie to us should be fired (and real people hired to take their place).

Sometimes the computer at the other end of the phone line refers you to a website. Websites are on computers. It’s a vicious circle.

Not only should companies hire real people to answer phones, they should cast them in their TV commercials. I happen to know that the cartoon characters in ads are generated by (you guessed it) computers.

Replacing computers with real people may sound extreme, but, considering the country’s jobs situation, isn’t it worth a try?

Great advice

I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

February

If you think the holiday season is over, wait till you see February. First, it’s Black History Month. Then we also get Groundhog Day, Chinese New Year, Super Bowl Sunday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Washington’s Birthday, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday. This year February gets an extra day in order to fit everything in.

Fame

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor.

“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

The visitor was surprised. “Joshua Hemingway? Was he also a writer?”

“Yes, indeed,” said the guide. “He wrote the check.”

Ferry story

Tom loved living on Staten Island but wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than 15 feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t risk an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees—a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said, “but you should have waited a minute or two. This ferry is about to dock.”

This week’s lawyer

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Last words

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Roger Allen, publisher. “Rockford is the Humor Capital of the World”

Republican infighting can be either entertaining or depressing. However, retired people remain especially aware that the President and the Congress we elect this year will deal with Social Security.

Our Social Security program was enacted about 77 years ago. Few are left to remember how financially grim getting old used to be for most people.

Essentially, the Social Security Act required enforced retirement savings. Most Americans don’t get rich by a lifetime of working and don’t save a lot of money otherwise.

For 2011, Congress cut individual payroll taxes from 6.2% to 4.2% in order to beef up the spending power of working people. The cost of government didn’t get reduced, however; unfortunately, Congress let the Social Security Trust Fund absorb the shortfall.

A great country like ours should not need “poor farms” for the destitute elderly. Let’s hope that when YOU arrive at age 67, the Social Security Trust Fund will be there. The Congress we elect must have the guts to raise the money to restore the Fund.

Social Security is one of the best programs our government ever embarked upon. But, personally, I don’t take it for granted.

They grow up so fast

Two storks were sitting in their nest—father and baby. The little one was crying.

“Don’t worry, son,” said the dad. “Your mother will be back soon. She’s out delivering brand-new babies.”

The next night, it was the mothers turn to do the job. Again the baby stork was crying.

“Son,” said mom stork, “your father will be back soon, but right now he’s out bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later the parent storks were alarmed: Sonny had been gone from the nest all night. Shortly before dawn, however, he returned.

“Where,” demanded the parents, “have you been?”

“No where much,” said the youngster. “Just scaring the heck out of college students.”

Turkey story

From a contributor:

One year my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional Christmas feast. My sister tends to be quite gullible and my mom decided to play a trick. She sent my sister to the drugstore on some kind of errand. In her absence, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, spooned out the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister put the turkey on a platter and prepared to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something solid, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Margie, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”

At this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family quite a while to remind her that turkeys lay eggs. (Yes, Margie is a blonde.)

A question

Why is it that you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when it’s against the law to drink and drive?